Lost in 17 Minutes!
by Da Phoenix 13
Summary: No, it's not the story of how Jack gets himself lost in 17 minutes... it's the world's shortest and least accurate summary of the show known to mankind! Now complete through the end of season 4.
1. Season 1

_Disclaimer: If I owned Sawyer, that would be really hot. But I don't. Nor do I own anyone else.

* * *

_

Plane: CRASH!!!!!!!!

Jack: Now my insane hero issues can finally be used for something!!! (saves everyone but the Marshal, who he kills somehow)

Kate: Thanks for killing the Marshal. He was the one who had to bring me to justice!

Jack: (not listening) OK everyone, let's go around the campfire and tell out life stories! I'll go first. (ahem) My name is Jack, and I have daddy issues. Among numerous others.

Everyone: Hi, Jack!

Locke: I also have daddy issues! Oh yeah, and this island is magical awesome, 'cause it helped me walk again.

Kate: I have daddy issues too! That's why I'm a fugitive from justice!

Sawyer: Me too! …'Cept I got issues with the guy who _killed_ my daddy.

Claire: I have issues with my _baby's _daddy.

Jin: (Korean) I have issues with my _wife's _daddy.

Michael: I have issues with _being_ a daddy.

Charlie: (looks at Hurley and Sayid) I feel unspecial, not being a member of the Daddy Issues Club.

Hurley: That doesn't mean we don't have issues, dude.

Boone and Shannon: True dat!

---

Hurley: (after the batteries on his Walkman wind down) Man, I'm bored.

Jack: (ignoring the paranormal monsters killing everyone) I know! Let's act all paranoid about each other!

Everyone: Sweet!

Locke: Heck, it's not like that's going to drive outcasts like, say, Kate and Sawyer together or anything.

Sayid: (torturing Sawyer) Nope, and it's definitely not reinforcing any negative stereotypes of Arabs.

Jin: Yup, this is one great show for racial stereotyping.

Michael: Indubitably. Now hold still so I can almost axe-murder you!

---

Kate: Um, Sayid… you should leave for like, a journey of self-discovery or something.

Jack: I think what she means to say is, _get out of here, you non-daddy-issues-having terrorist!!!!!_

Sayid: (stomping off in search of daddy issues) Hey, a rope. (gets captured by crazy French woman)

French woman: (not speaking French) So _you're_ the one without all those daddy issues.

Sayid: Yeah… but I have woman issues!

French woman: Cool. Take a free car battery.

Fans: But HURLEY'S the one who gets the battery in episode 18!!

Da Phoenix: …Shut up, purists!

---

Ethan: (pops up) Just in case you didn't have enough problems already, I'm going to kidnap the pregnant girl and her drug-addicted has-been rocker almost-boyfriend!

Charlie and Claire: AAAAAH!!!!! THE CHRONOLOGY IS OUT OF WHACK!!!!

Jack: Because I have messianic delusions of grandeur, _I_ have to be the one to save them!

Charlie: (falls out of tree)

Jack: I did it, everyone!! (hits Charlie on chest, since he never learned CPR)

Charlie: OK, now I have more issues than probably most of you.

Sawyer: But do you have DADDY issues???

Charlie: Well… no…

Locke: Then you can't be in our club.

Charlie: Aaaargh!!!! (stomps off in search of heroin)

Claire: I'm back! And traumatized!

Jack: (putting on his shrink hat) Tell me what happened so I can heal your shattered psyche.

Claire: Oh, that. Well, guess who had a mild concussion? Here's a hint: It's MEEEE!!! So I have convenient amnesia.

---

Locke: (strollin' through the jungle) So tell me, Boone: how does one go through life without daddy issues?

Boone: Well, I make up for it with all those sister and nanny issues. (trips)

Hatch: (clang)

Locke: (whoa omg let's open it)

---

Walt: (to Michael) You're a mean mean daddy and I hate you!!!!

Michael: In order to prevent my dear son Walt from developing as many daddy issues as Charlie-

Charlie: But I don't HAVE daddy issues!!!!! (cries)

Michael: Shush! I will build a raft to take us all away from this huge yet somehow undiscovered island.

Sawyer: Hey, I'll come with! I've got nothing better to do this weekend.

Sun: (glaring at Jin, who's fighting with her) Maybe Jin should come too… he's got issues with my daddy, and he's super jealous of my m4d English sk1llz. Plus, he's kind of crampin' my style.

Michael: Ok hottie- I mean pretty woman- I mean… Sun. (pretends he's not in love with her even though he is in real life)

---

Locke: Hey Boone! Guess who _also_ has mommy issues?!?

Boone: …you?

Locke: Yupppp!! And because of them we are going exploring for no particular reason!

Boone: Tight! …Hey look, an orange plane. It looks kind of like a big Tylenol. Or my grave!

Locke: Aah, my leg! You climb up to it.

Boone: 'Kay. Hey, it's kind of wobbly, like a seesaw!!! (starts bouncing up and down)

Plane: (falls down cliff)

Boone: …Owie. Not…fun like… seesaw. (pass out)

Locke: Oh noes!! I have to take him to Jack now, since no one else is hero enough to care about Brian!!

Boone: …that's "Boone," jerk. (pass out again)

Shannon: (to Sayid on their private beach) Hey, that horrendous scream of pain sounded exactly like my brother who slept with me that one time. Oh well! (cuddles Sayid)

Sayid: …Wait, when did we end up together?

Shannon: (shrugs) Since just now, I guess.

Jack: (in Superjack mode) Boone's dying! Must save him!! (gives Boone his own blood using bendy straws)

Boone: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU?!?!?

Jack: One of a kind, Booniekins.

Claire: (in labor) OMG what if my baby looks like Ethan?!?!?

Jack: Eww, babies? Uh, Kate, can you handle that? Since you're a… _girl_ and all?

Kate: (sighs, resigned to being the true hero on the show)

Boone: Shannon… (dies)

Shannon: (griefstricken) Oh my dear incestuous brother… (sniff) POURQUOI?!?!?!?!?

Sayid: Oh darling, promise me that no matter what, you won't try to kill Locke or start listening to creepy backward voices in the forest.

Shannon: (not listening) 'Kay.

Sayid: Now Locke, are you going to tell me where the hatch is, or am I going to have to reenact my Arab stereotype once again by tying you to a tree and torturing you?

Locke: (sigh) Oh fine. And while we're at it, I'll show you the heroin plane. Just for laughs.

---

Michael: The raft is finally done! I wish I could take every last one of you with me, even you, unimportant Scott…

Guy: I'm Steve. Scott's been dead since like episode 5.

Michael: Whatevs, purist! But this raft is only for the members of the Daddy Issues club that are not vital for the camp's survival. Well, that and the people who are free this weekend.

Sawyer: So, Freckles, I guess that means you and the doc are finally free to shack up, since I'm going out of town this weekend.

Kate: Well, yeah, except that would totally ruin this whole love square thing we'll have when you meet Ana Lucia in season 2… I mean, uh, oops? Plus Jack's kind of too full of himself to have a real relationship. …And is "Kate" too hard for you to say or something?!?

Sawyer: Take care, Freckles. Don't lose those daddy issues now!

---

Claire: Charlie, sing to my thankfully non-Ethan baby to educate him about our island's history, since Jack's been too lazy to set up a public school system.

Charlie: Mkay! This one's called "The Cowboy Kills the Polar Bear." (plays guitar that miraculously survived crash when like hundreds of people didn't)

---

Locke: We really have to get this hatch open fast! It's almost the end of the season, and we've got to get it open at the finale to really drive our viewers crazy over the summer!!

Mr. Arzt: Let's use dynam- (KABOOOOM!!!!!!)

Jack: Great idea!

Hurley: Wait, you're not wracked with guilt and self-loathing for not being able to save Arzt??

Jack: Well, I'm not going to waste the emotion on a red shirt like him!

Hurley: (glances down at his own red shirt)

(Locke, Jack, Kate and Hurley all trek hazardously across the whole island with explosives)

Locke: Oh, the hatch was right next to the dynamite ship. Just kidding!

Hurley: WAIT!!!! There are cursed numbers on this hatch!!!

Kate: WTF what cursed numbers?! (glares at Da Phoenix)

Da Phoenix: Oh yeah… there was supposed to be a cursed numbers subplot in there somewhere, wasn't there?

Hurley: Whatever, man. This hatch is bad juju! Bad Juju!!!!

Hatch: (explodes open)

---

Others: (to raft peeps) Give us da boyyyy…

Michael: No way!! If I give him to you he'll have daddy issues!

Walt: Oh, I already have enough daddy issues to last me a lifetime in therapy, Dad, don't worry about that!

Sawyer: Wait, who the hell are you guys??

Others: (mysteriously) We are… the OTHERS.

Jin: (in Korean) Da Phoenix! You missed this subplot too?!

Da Phoenix: No one pays too close attention to this show anyway!

Others: (take Walt)

Sawyer: (shot)

Raft: (broken in the middle of the ocean)

Fans: OMG they're all dead!!! And the hatch! And... the _numbers! _(dramatic pause) And why is summer so freakin' long?!?!?

Da Phoenix: (surveys chaos with satisfaction) J. J. Abrams, eat your heart out.


	2. Season 2

Dramatic Dan (Announcer): (deepest voice imaginable) Previously on "Lost"…

Plane: CRASH!

Survivors: CLASH!

Backstory: FLASH!

Charlie: HASH!

Boone: SMASH!

Actors: CASH!

Dramatic Dan: And now, an eerie revolving title card. I mean, the show.

Locke: There was supposed to be a "HATCH!" in there somewhere too, wasn't there?

Da Phoenix: Eh. That doesn't rhyme as well.

Jack: Wow, what a neato hatch that's open now. Too bad you all had to wait three months to watch us agonize about going into it.

Locke: What do you mean, not go inside it?!?!?

Hurley: What part of "cursed numbers will kill us all" did you not understand, Baldy????

Kate: Hm, I wonder how my cowboy other-boyfriend is doing…

---

Sawyer: (still shot) Oh God, my arm! (to Jin) KILL ME NOW!!!!!

Jin: (in Korean) Um, hello, no speakie!

Michael: Walt! Waaalt!!!!

Sawyer: I see Mike knows his line for the season…

---

Locke: Listen up, fools: _we're going in the freakin' hatch, okay?!?!?_

Hurley: No we're not! (pouts)

Locke: Are too!

Hurley: Are not!

Locke: Are too!

Hurley: Are not!

Locke: Are too!

Hurley: Are not!

Kate: Aw, screw it. (goes into hatch)

Jack: Oh noes! (follows and finds her being held hostage) OMG, it's you!!!

Hatch guy: Yes, it's me! (awkward pause) Are you physically able to push a button for no apparent reason??

Jack: Um…………………………. Sure?

Hatch guy: Okay, cya! (leaves to make out with Danielle)

Locke: Aw, sweet, a button! Let's push it!

Jack: But why? It's stupid. And dirty. And it smells kind of funny. Reminds me of Sawyer a little bit…

Hurley: Plus it's cursed!!!!!!!!!

Locke: Whatever. (pushes button)

Hurley: (is surrounded by morons)

---

Jin: (somehow not in the middle of the ocean anymore) The others are coming! The others are coming!!

(Jin, Michael, and Sawyer get captured by crazy Ana Lucia and the crazy coach people)

Ana Lucia: You're the OTHERS!!!!!!

Sawyer: Um, no, hottie, I think YOU'RE the Others!!!

Jin: (in the pit thing) Let me out, or I'll have to use my Asian martial arts butt-whoopin' sk1llz on you all!!

Ana Lucia: Whatever, you guys are pretty boring for kid-snatching psychopathic scientists. Guess you're not really the Others after all, so I'll take you back to camp.

Sawyer: So… got any issues you'd like to share with us in an extended flashback?

Ana Lucia: Welllllll, just baby issues. And Others issues.

Sawyer: Aw maaaan, no daddy issues??? …Don't worry, you're still hot.

---

Shannon: (giggle) Oh Sayid, I love you.

Sayid: I love you too, since we're like the only important main characters without daddy issues. Let me go and find you some. (leaves)

Walt: (to Shannon, backwards and scarily) Don't get daddy issues, you'll end up like me…

Shannon: Aah!!!! (pulling a Michael) Walt! Waaalt!!!!

Sayid: Shannon! What did I tell you about listening to creepy ten-year-old's voices in the jungle and running after them?!? You haven't been getting into Charlie's "funtime powder" again, have you?

Ana Lucia: OMG I see people! They must be the Others!!! (shoots)

Shannon: (gets shot)

Sayid: Noooo!!!! (gets tied to a tree and tortured in a load of cosmic payback)

---

Eko: Since I'm apparently the only one in this group with any brains, I will take this babbling cowboy to get his arm fixed.

Sawyer: (babble, groan) Kate, I love you Kate, Kate, I will not be ignored, Kate…

Jack: Aw maaaan, now I have to heal this guy?? Stupid hero complex!

Kate: (tears) Oh Jack, _please_ help Sawyer! (sob)

Jack: Well, ok. But only because I love you. …I mean, you're hot? (gets out the duct tape to put Sawyer back together)

---

Sayid: Oh, I'm so grief-stricken that I forgot Charlie has a drug problem. Hey Charlie, wanna see the heroin plane?

Fans: That's not even CLOSE to what really happened!!

Da Phoenix: Sh, we're getting to the good part!!

---

Eko: Hey Locke, I found this movie about the Hatch.

Locke: Sweet! I'll grab the popcorn!!!!

Movie man: …So don't use this computer for IMing people. You could end up meeting a perv like on "To Catch a Predator"!

Computer: (IMing Michael) yt?

Michael: zzzzzzz… hmm, walt? (typing) Walt?

Computer: Dad, I have more issues than EVER now!!!

Michael: (screams) WALT!!!!!!! (pause, types "WALT!!!!!!!")

---

Claire: (to Eko) Oh, isn't Charlie the funniest guy ever? He keeps a Virgin Mary statue by his bed! (laughs) Oh, you Catholics!

Eko: Uh, he's not devout, he's addicted to the heroin INSIDE the statue.

Charlie and Claire's Relationship: (over)

Fans: How the hell did Eko even know about the heroin statues already???

Da Phoenix: Do not question the almighty Omnipotent Parody Author!!!

Eko: Well, Charlie, since I already ruined your life, you might as well take me to the heroin plane already!

Charlie: (grumble grumble) OMG, LOOK OUT FOR THAT… shadow.

Shadow: (menacing)

Da Phoenix: Wait… _the monsters aren't homicidal robots?!?_ (world shatters)

Eko: I needed to see and burn this heroin plane because of my brother issues. But first, have some more heroin.

Charlie: Gee thanks, but I already stashed like a gazillion of these already.

---

Jack: (entering hatch) La de da de da… OMG LOCKE?!?!?

Locke: (mild concussion from being knocked out by Michael)

Michael: (nearby, crazy) Waaalt…

Jack: What's that, boy? Ok, you can go look for him… take a gun, por favor!

Locke: You can't do that, we need to follow him! With more guns!

Sawyer: I'll come just to make it hard on you, doc!

Jack: (grumbling) cowboy steals my women, wtf…

Others: (surround them)

Lead Other: (pirate voice) Arr, get yer feet off our coffee table.

Jack: …huh?

Lead Other: It be a metaphor, ye landlubber.

Jack: Riiiiiight…

Lead Other: We have one of yer women!

Kate: (kidnapped)

Jack: Well, I can't argue with that logic! (drops guns)

Kate: (let go) Oh Sawyer, I was so scared… (runs to him)

Jack: (grumbling) cowboy steals my woman, wtf…

Ana Lucia: Are you ok, Jack baby?

Jack: Oh yeah, awesome. I just lost my other girlfriend, that's all.

Ana Lucia: (suggestively) Anything I can do to make it all better?

Jack: (oblivious) Let's create an army to kill the Others! And an island jail we can throw Sawyer into!!

Claire: (in background) Um, hello, still waiting on a public school system here!

---

Charlie: So… none of us really knows what's going on in the show anymore, so we're all going to have a group flashback!!

Kate: yay?

Sayid: These flashbacks happen often to the rest of you too?

Jack: Increasingly… since the plane crashed…

Henry: Hey, what about my plotline?

Locke: Oh yeah! ("tough-guy" voice) Alright you sicko. Time to tell us who da heck you are.

Henry: I already TOLD you my fake name! …I mean my real name. That's really mine. And real.

---

Claire: Time for my annual appearance. I mean, oh no! The baby's sick with a plot device!

Kate: This calls for some much-needed girl power. C'mon Claire and other important female character, let's go to the Fortress of Estrogen to get away from all these stupid men!

Danielle: Hooray! We can stay up late and paint each other's toenails and eat Ben and Jerry's and watch _The Notebook_!!!

Claire: Awww, this was fun, girls! Why don't we do this more often?

Sun: We do. We're always hanging out in here, that's why we get like no screentime.

Ana Lucia: And meanwhile, I'm just everywhere at the moment!

Danielle: Well, you and Kate are in that convoluted love "quadrangle" thing, so neither of you counts.

---

Eko: I'm pretty sure that this isn't my line, but hey! That prisoner's not who he says he is!

Jack: (turns to Benry, shocked) You LIED?!?!?

Benry: Aw SNAP! (hangs head)

Charlie: (enters) Um, hey guys, is it time for me to have my annual struggle with heroin yet?

Jack: (irritated) Not NOW, Charlie!

Charlie: By the way, through some drug-induced dreams- I mean, deep personal introspection, I think I found some daddy iss-

Sawyer: (screams) GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!! (pushes Charlie out and slams hatch)

Charlie: 'Kay guys, that's cool, I guess. _But you'll all regret that at the season finale!!!!!!_ …I hope.

---

Michael: Guess who just showed up to ruin everyone's lives?

Jack: (happy) Mike! You can form cohesive sentences again!

Sayid: (to Benry) Yeah, sorry about this whole torturing-you thing I've got to do, but it IS post-9/11 America, and I AM an Iraqi, soooo… (graphic torture we all get to see)

Da Phoenix: Ewww!

Sun: Jin… I'm PREGNANT!! (dramatic soap opera music)

Jin: Ewww! I mean wow, honey, that's great. I just hope no one tries to kidnap you!

Hooded figure: (kidnaps Sun)

Fans: (to Da Phoenix) You have serious chronology issues, don't you?

Da Phoenix: Oh come on, the order's not THAT important!

Plane: CRASH!

Da Phoenix: Just kidding!

Charlie: (takes off hood) I'm sorry I pretended I kidnapped Sun. But no one's going to notice me otherwise!!

Locke: (not listening) What? Oh yeah, that's great, Scott. Now if you'll excuse me, I gots me a question mark to find!

Eko: I'll come with you, white version of me! And we can even stop by the heroin plane for some hash- I mean, honor my dead brother! (trips)

Question Mark: (puzzling)

Locke: (whoa omg this hatch is SO much easier to open than the last one)

Eko: Whoa, what's up with all these notebooks, surveillance monitors, and motivational posters saying "The Button's A Fake, Locke Won't Take A Break"?

Locke: Well, either the girls have been hanging out in here watching _The Notebook _and doodling on giant pieces of posterboard, or EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eko: I don't think the movie's about THAT kind of notebook…

Rose: Time for my biannual appearance… Hey Locke, _I_ still think this island is magical awesome!

Locke: (is too distracted by Hurley's romance to listen)

---

Hurley: I've gone from the eccentric fat guy to the certifiably crazy fat guy… who's in LOVE:)

Libby: (monotone) My name is Libby. I love Hurley.

Hurley: Ok baby, let's have a romantic picnic on the beach! (stage whisper to camera) I got that girl tip from Sayid.

Sayid: Shannon. Torture. Shannon. Torture. (continues his plot line)

Hurley: So, we need a picnic blanket. Go get one from Benry!

Libby: Libby loves Hurley. (leaves)

Sayid: Oh, didn't I mention how our last picnic went? (flashback to Boone dying) …We forgot the grey poupon…

Michael: (shoots two of the five girls in the cast)

Ana and Libby: We never should have driven drunk!!!! (dead)

Benry: Great job, Michael! Remember our shady deal now! (runs away)

Michael: (pause, then back to old crazy self) Walt…

Jack, Sawyer, Kate: (enter) OMG WTF HAPPENED?!?!?!?

Michael: (still holding smoking gun) …it was Benry.

Jack: CURSE YOU, BENRY!!!!!!!! (chase through jungle)

Hurley: Wait for me you guys! I don't have anything else to keep me on screen now that my love story's over!

Michael: Aw crap. My perfect shady plan just got complicated by the certifiably crazy fat guy with a broken heart.

---

Desmond: I'm back everybody! And I found my name!

Eko: Hooray! (pushes button)

Locke: Yeah, whatever. (grumble grumble) you and your stupid button, wtf…

---

Charlie: Holy heroin, Fatman!

Hurley: (far away in the jungle, looks up) Wha?

Charlie: I'm finally ready to get clean! (throws heroin off cliff)

Claire: Gee thanks, that's supposed to be our drinking water. I mean, I'm so proud of you, baby! (kiss)

Charlie and Claire's Relationship: (resurrected)

---

(Jack, Sawyer, Kate, and Hurley get kidnapped)

Benry: Eh, send the fat guy back. He won't fit in the monkey cage.

Jack: OMG I _never_ saw this coming!!!!

Michael: (trading them for Walt and escaping island) Really?

---

Sayid: C'mon Jin and Sun, we furriners have to do something to give us airtime in this finale. (wander to gaze intently at giant foot)

Sun: …Yup. That's one giant foot.

---

Locke: Hey Eko, let's not push the button and see what happens. Just for giggles.

Eko: (somehow stabbed by a million knives, sarcastically) Oh, I'm giggling. (pass out)

Hatch: (implodes)

Locke: Ok… that DEFINITELY didn't happen the last time the numbers went to zero…

Fans: Who's dead? _WHO'S DEAD?!?!? _And… the _foot!_ (pause significantly)

Da Phoenix: ………..What the _hell_ is going on in this show?!?!?


	3. Season 3

_Wow this was a long chapter. And guess what, kids? I actually did my research for most of this one! Meaning I went back and watched most of the old episodes. In other news, "Lost in 17 Minutes" has exactly 17 reviews right now! I thought that was noteworthy..._

_Disclaimer: If I owned Lost, Charlie wouldn't have died. There were at least three different ways he could have escaped that little underwater room! J.J. Abrams, you suck._

* * *

Jack: (in dark cell) OK, when did I wander onto the set of _CSI_? 

Sawyer: (in zoo cage) Hey, I am NOT an extra for _Curious George_!

Kate: (on gorgeous sun-drenched beach) And I never signed on for… uh… _Lost..._

Ben: (in gorgeous island gazebo) Just think of this imprisonment as a romantic island getaway where you live in monkey cages and work on a rock farm!

---

Desmond: (naked) Guess what? EVERYONE'S STILL ALIVE!!!!!! (grins cheesily)

Hurley: (staring) _Please_ tell me this isn't the only action I'm going to get now that my girlfriend's dead…

Eko: You and your stupid crisis of faith, John. Now I'm slowly dying because of… uh… was it the dynamite, the mild concussion, or the show's irrational need for bloodshed?

Writers: We're going to go with "electromagnetism".

Physicists: (spaz over writers not understanding electromagnetism)

---

Jack: (finally lost his mind) They're after me! Walls closing in! One flew over the cuckoo's nest!!

Juliet: Ok Chief- I mean, Jack. Have a grilled cheese sandwich.

Jack: (tries to stab her with a plate) Mwahaha, I'm escaping!! (sees door) Hey, "Es-cap-hey!" That's funny, it's spelled just like the word "Escape"… (opens door)

Cell: (somehow floods with water)

Ben: (saves Jack's ass) Jack, you crazy fool.

Jack: I will not be ignored, Kate! With Hurley's radish, we're going to win the competition!!

Ben: (projectile vomits) Ok, this guy's going back into solitary.

Juliet: Oh crap, I think I love him.

---

Sawyer: (trying to beat machine) Curse you, elusive fish biscuits!!! (gets one) Hahahahahah!!! (gobble)

Kate: (in cage next door) Sawyer, you crazy fool. I love you!!!!!!

---

Locke: Let's go find Jack, Kate, and Sawyer! I bet they're hiding at the question mark!

Desmond: What are you, nuts?

Eko: (still somehow dying) I guess I'll come too…

Shadow: (homicidal)

Eko: _You're next, Norman and __Sharona!!!!!!!_ (death by shadow)

New girl (Sharona): That was totally wack, yo.

New guy (Norman): Yeah… wiggedy wack… OMG flush toilets!!!! ("uses")

Desmond: Brotha… your name's Paolo. Not Norman.

Norman: Pfff, what?!? Who's going to name their kid Paolo? I think "Norman" much better captures my homicidal nature…

Sharona: And I'm such white trash, I think "Sharona" is a much better name for me, because "Nikki" is just laaaaaaaame. Such a _Heroes_ ripoff…

Locke: Yeah, whatever Nikki. (starts divining directions to the Others' camp from Eko's Jesus stick)

Norman and Sharona: (sigh)

---

Juliet: OK Jack, you've gone three whole days without doing something really crazy, so you deserve a little treat. (brings in TV)

TV: (Charlie) _Guys… where are we?_ (L-O-S-T)

Jack: (watching his own TV show) …How'd Charlie fit in that tiny box?

Juliet: Keep watching…

TV: (Juliet holding up signs) If anyone but you sees this tape, I am so dead. Anyway, I know that Ben wants you to do spinal surgery on him. So make sure you "accidentally" kill him during the surgery. "Accidentally," got that?

Juliet: (turns off TV) So how's about it, new boyfriend?

Jack: …TV go dark!

Juliet: (facepalm)

---

Sawyer: (gets stir-crazy from so much time in a monkey cage and tries to kill guards)

Ben: You have displeased us so much that if you do any more work for us, your face will explode.

Da Phoenix: Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! (weeps uncontrollably)

Ben: I mean, your heart will explode. And you'll die.

Sawyer: That doesn't make much sense either, but… Curse you, Benry!!!!!!!

Ben: (after making Sawyer jog up several mountains) Naw man, I was just messing with you about that whole bomb-in-your-chest thing. But just so's ya know, no one will find you since we're on a whole different island.

Sawyer: …Wait, how did we not see the other island? Or notice a boat ride to another island?

Ben: … uh… you were drugged?

Sawyer: You guys know about the heroin plane?

Ben: Yeah, let's go with that!

---

Kate: I've decided to take Ben's suggestion to see our captivity as a romantic island getaway a bit too literally! (sneaks out of cage to have sex with Sawyer)

Jack: (ranting in the dark) I was raised by a cup of coffee. (sees them on the monitors) Kate and Sawyer are together?! I NEVER saw this coming!!!

Everyone: Really?

Jack: Aw man, Kate left me for Sawyer AGAIN. Now that my heart's broken, there's only one sane thing to do… SPINAL SURGERY!!!!!!!!

---

Guards: (gun to Sawyer's head)

Kate: Don't kill him! I need to have his baby so people keep watching the show!!!!

Radio: (crackles) Gaaaaah!!!

Kate: Uh-oh, it's Jack… I'd better explain things to him…

Sawyer: Hurry up with the negotiatin', my little fish biscuit!

Jack: (sputtering like a madman) Pl… pl… pl… PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!

Kate: What?!? You purposefully-not-accidentally botched Ben's spinal surgery so Sawyer and I could escape from our monkey cages, steal a boat to go to our island with some kid named Karl, and never come back to rescue you from the clutches of Juliet? Are you deranged or something?!?!?!?!?!?

Jack: Meh!

Sawyer: I think his daddy issues have finally driven him insane… (escapes from monkey cage with Kate to the main island with some kid named Karl and never comes back to rescue Jack from Juliet's clutches… wait.)

---

Desmond: (has become new hero guy by saving Claire… twice!)

Hurley: Dude… Desmond sees the future…

Da Phoenix: Ok, now's when you know the show has absolutely NO concept of reality.

Eko: (comes back from dead) What, you couldn't tell that from the homicidal shadow? (dies again)

Desmond: Charlie! Bad news, brotha!! You're going to die!

Charlie: You can't kill me! You'll lose all the LOTR fans watching the show if I die!

---

Hurley: Dude, where's my car… plotline?

Sawyer: (comes back sans Karl, but with Kate) You're going to ride this Volkswagen bus off a cliff?! Oh man, are YOU the drug addict now?!

Charlie: Well, I'm marked for death anyway, according to the almighty Desmond, so I'll come with!

Hurley: Yayyyyyy!!!!!! (drives bus off cliff)

(Charlie and Hurley miraculously do not die)

Boone: (resurrects) I rode a plane off a cliff and I died… how does this show work exactly?!?

Charlie: Well, everyone loves us, while no one loved you. (Boone commits suicide)

---

(Jack is in the monkey cage)

Cindy: And this, kids, is the rare endangered species _Crazius __doctorus._ They are characterized by their permanent manly five-o'-clock shadow and severely debilitating daddy issues.

Kids: Oooh!

Jack: I AM NOT AN ANIMAL, EVERYONE!!!! STOP SHOVING PEANUTS THROUGH THE BARS OF MY MONKEY CAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Juliet: Jack, shut up. We're all going back to the big island now, since it makes the story much less complicated.

Jack: Rawr!!!! (attacks fish biscuit machine)

Juliet: (pretends not to be turned on)

---

Kate: 'Mkay you guys, we need to go rescue Jack from the clutches of that evil temptress Juliet- I mean, the Others. Who's with me?!

Locke: Meh, why not?

Sayid: It's not like I've gotten anything to do since Shannon died besides shove bamboo under people's fingernails and stare at giant feet…

Danielle: ZOMG you guys my daughter is with the Others!!

Fans: (glare at Da Phoenix for this crucial plot point omission)

Kate: Ok, then you can come too on Operation Let's Rescue Jack!

Sawyer: (is sad that Kate can't make up her freakin' mind about who to love)

---

Charlie: C'mon Claire, let's have a romantic island picnic!

Sayid and Hurley: (remembering their own "romantic island picnics") NOOOOOOOOO, DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Desmond: (appears creepily out of the bushes) Why on earth would you do an innocent thing like have a picnic with your girlfriend when you can come kill wild animals with me all day, brotha?

Charlie: …Why would I do that when I can feed Claire grapes and help her catch seagulls?

Desmond: I know how you're going to die, remember?

Charlie: Oh yeah. Sorry babe, you're on your own.

Charlie and Claire's Relationship: (is strained due to this whole impending death thing)

---

(Locke, Sayid, Kate, and Danielle come across a house in the middle of the jungle)

Mikhail: 'Sup fools. I'm definitely not one of the Others, just the l'il old Dharma Initiative!

Sayid: Yeah RIGHT!! (kidnaps Mikhail)

Danielle: (suddenly homicidal) Let's kill him.

Sayid: (spacing out due to flashback with moral of forgiveness) Nah, let's keep him alive. Wow Mikhail, you've sure got a great house with satellite TV…

House: KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!

Kate: OMG WTF LOCKE?!?!?

Locke: Don't blame me! The computer told me to do it!

Sayid: Well, whatever. Just don't do it again!

Locke: (not listening) OMG you guys, there's towers! (shoves Mikhail in between them)

Mikhail: (spazzes out and dies)

Danielle: There we go! I mean, OMG WTF LOCKE?!?!?

Kate: Less talky, more rescue Jacky! (sees Jack playing football with the Others) OMG WTF JACK?!?!?

Jack: (cured from insanity) What the hell Kate. I told you not to rescue me.

Kate: (in tears) I didn't know you _meant_ it…

Jack: Well, this time I'm going to escape all the way back to Los Angeles, so you'd BETTER not try to rescue me from there…

Kate: (cries)

---

Locke: 'Mkay Ben, I'm going to use your daughter to help me blow some more stuff up.

Ben: (in a wheelchair thanks to Jack's stupid PLAN) God, Locke, I had no idea you were such a pyro. Well ok. C'mere Alex, come help the nice crazy daddy-issues-having bald hunter ex-cripple!

Alex: (looks exactly like Rousseau) You're such a weird daddy.

Locke: Sweet, another character with daddy issues! (blows up submarine)

Jack: Oh yay, I'm so excited to go back to L.A. with all the movie stars and the flush toilets… (sees wreckage of submarine) OMG WTF LOCKE?!?!?

Locke: Uh… the computer told me to do it?

Juliet: You've GOT to be kidding me…

Locke: Um ok… I'm on heroin plane heroin?

Jack: (stern) Locke…

Locke: Daddy issues?

Jack: _Locke!_

Locke: Ok FINE! I blew up the submarine because it displeased the island! WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LEAVE NOW!!!! THE ISLAND HAS SPOKEN!!!!!

Jack: NOW who's the crazy?

Juliet: (tries not to drool too much)

Locke: The crisis of faith is OVAH!!!!!

---

Norman and Sharona: (get paralyzed)

Hurley: Aw maaaan, they're dead. We'll miss you, Nikki and Paolo.

Sawyer: Who?

Hurley: You know, those two redshirts.

Charlie: Nope, not ringing a bell…

Hurley: Those two bodies right there?

Sun: Never seen them before in my life.

Norman and Sharona: Maybe they'd know who we are if you'd call us by our proper names!!!!! (get buried alive)

Da Phoenix: Well that was tragic… and pointless…

---

(Kate and Juliet get handcuffed in the jungle together)

Kate: OMG what's going on?!? (mud wrestles with Juliet)

Juliet: Well, Ben's into kinky threesomes- I mean, mind games. (unhandcuffs and leads Kate back to Others City)

Sayid: Bad news, kids. The Others are gone, and Locke went with them.

Jack: What is UP with that guy this season? Oh well. Juliet's coming with us because she's hot.

Juliet: (cuddles)

Kate: (cries) But she doesn't KNOW you like I do!!

Juliet: I know his middle name, his Social Security Number, his mom's maiden name, his birthday, his street address, the fact that HE WAS MARRIED, and his favorite type of spinal surgery. Can YOU say that????

Kate: Uh…

Jack: Plus we've got the same first initial… we're soul mates! (beams at Juliet)

Kate: (starts looking for Karl, since they share a first initial)

---

Hurley: Ok Sawyer, since all the other crazy hero guys are gone, dead, or busy predicting Charlie's death, YOU'RE the new leader! I'm going to con you into being nice!

Sawyer: Oh man Hugo, you got me real good. Ever consider a career as a Mr. Sawyer?

Hurley: You're kidding, right? How am I going to seduce women with a physique like this? (indicates lard)

Jack: I'm back, everyone! And I brought a friend! (indicates Juliet)

Everyone: OMG WTF JACK! She's one of the Others!!

Juliet: No really, I'm nice! Let me save Claire to prove it!

Claire: I'm getting in an inordinate amount of danger lately, aren't I?

Juliet: Haha, just kidding, everyone! I'm really a manipulative little bitch!

Jack: (not listening) Ohhhhh my daddy issues are such a pain in the life.

Claire: Tell me about it. My stupid daddy, not being around until my mom got put in a freaking coma. Curse you, Christian Shepard!!!

Jack: OMG CHRISTIAN SHEPARD?!? …That's a nice name. Manly and… ironic…

Jack and Claire's True Relationship: (will probably never be discovered)

---

Desmond: (gets ANOTHER vision of Charlie dying) I give up. C'mon brotha, let's go on a camping trip through the jungle!

Jin: Camping! (grins)

Hurley: You speak English?!

Jin: Hajama.

Charlie: Whoops, false alarm. (guitar gets arrowed instead of his throat) Goddammit Desmond, you killed my guitar!!

Desmond: Oh whatever. You're going to die by the end of the season anyway. (sees parachute woman) OMG WTF it's my GF!! I'm coming Penny!!! (rescues her)

Naomi: (is not Penny)

Charlie: Or not…

Hurley: I wonder what Jack's up to now that he's back… probably something uber-heroic…

(meanwhile)

Sawyer: Hey Doc, let's play ping-pong!

Jack: For Kate?

Sawyer: (nods)

Jack: To the DEATH?!

Sawyer: (nods)

Jack: I accept!

Hurley: Or not…

---

Juliet: Hey, guess what, Sun? Pregnancy is a death sentence here! So it's time for the Fortress of Estrogen Part 2, what what!

Sun: Hm… would I rather be a dead faithful wife or an alive whore?

Juliet: Good news! You're a dead faithful wife!

Sun: Yay! …Wait.

Juliet: (to tape) 'Sup Ben? Sun's preggers and maybe Kate is too. You suck, BTW.

---

Mikhail: (is not dead) 'Sup guys? (saves Naomi)

Naomi: OMG WTF you guys?!? You're all supposed to be dead!

Mikhail: Yeah, I know, the electric fence thing really hurts…

Naomi: No no no, I mean that your plane crashed!

Hurley: What are you, new?

Jin: Check out her sweet phone thingy! Er, I mean, hajama?

Charlie: OMG WE CAN FINALLY ORDER PIZZA!!!!!!!!!!

Desmond: And I can call my GF Penny for hours and hours and hours! …or we can try to get rescued. Yeah, that might work too…

---

Ben: So, I bet you love this island because it's the one place where your daddy can't find you, right?

Locke: Yeah, pretty much.

Locke's Daddy: (OMG IS ON THE ISLAND!!!!!!)

Locke: Curse you, Benry!!! You ruined the island's magical awesomeness!

Ben: Like I care! I'M IN A FRIGGIN' WHEELCHAIR HERE!!!! Now come say hi to Jacob!

Jacob: (doesn't exist)

Locke: Um, now you're crazy too?

Ben: (sputters) NO! Whatever, you're boring. I'ma kill you now. (shoots)

Locke: (is left for dead in a pit full of bodies)

---

Charlie: So Desmond, I'm really going to die?

Desmond: (annoyed) YES!!!!!!!

Charlie: Ok fine. Let's go to the middle-of-the-ocean hatch then, because then the phone will work and Claire can order the peanut butter pizza she's always wanted.

Desmond: You crazy, brotha?! I can't let you die!

Charlie: But it's FOR THE GREATER GOOD!!!! (knocks out Desmond and goes to underwater hatch)

2 girls: OMG WTF IT'S A HOBBIT!!!!!! (beat him up)

Charlie: I love you too? But not as much as Claire!

Charlie and Claire's Relationship: (is doomed, but too cute for words)

2 girls: (die somehow)

Mikhail: (pops up) WTF you smelly little hobbit!

Charlie: Mate, how the bollocks do you do that?!?

Mikhail: It's obvious, isn't it? I'm a zombie!

Charlie: Dot dot dot!

---

Naomi: M'kay guys, let's go get rescued now!

Sun: (doesn't want to die) Hooray!

Kate: OMG I might be preggers?!? Sawyer can't pay child support! He can't even catch our baby a fish!!!!

Sawyer: (moping sexily) Aw maaaan, my baby mama loves Jack. (pout pout)

Hurley: Bummer, dude. Guess your kid's gonna have daddy issues too, huh? Speaking of which, I found some legit ones of my own!!

Sayid: And that makes you like, special or something?

Sawyer: Hey, if you were about 300 pounds lighter then you could be a cowboy like me! After all, all the best cowboys have daddy issues!

Jack: Whatever guys, let's go to the radio tower… or something… (kisses Juliet)

Juliet: Ooh, that was hot!

Jack: (spacing out) …Sorry, I was having a flashback. Or a flashforward… whatever…

---

Desmond: (enters underwater hatch) How many of these things ARE there? (sees Mikhail) How many times do I have to kill you, brotha- I mean, jerkface?! (spear guns)

Mikhail: (might actually be dead this time)

Charlie: Whatever, time for me to be a hero! (enters Beach Boys code)

Monitor: OMG Desmond's such a hottie! I wish I could see him again…

Desmond: Ooh Charlie, I had no idea you swung that way.

Charlie: It's not me, it's your GF Penny! (to Penny) Oy Penny, thanks for the boat!

Penny: OMG WTF what boat?!

Desmond: PENNY!!!!!!! (runs to room in slow motion)

Charlie: (slams door)

Desmond: (runs into door) WTF BROTHA?!?

Charlie: Sorry, but Mikhail's about to kill me!

Mikhail: (refuses to die) Die, smelly hobbit! (grenades porthole)

Charlie: Desmond… Penny's not comiiiiiiing… (drowns)

Da Phoenix: (might never watch the show again)

---

Locke: (singing off-key) All that I know is I'm… breeeathing…. All we can do is keep breeeeeathinggggg!!!!

Walt: Dude, you should never sing again.

Locke: Walt! Waaalt!!!!

Walt: Yup, that's me. Listen up, you got to get out of this smelly dead people pit and go save your friends. Oh, and you're a retard for opening the hatch.

Locke: (proudly) Tell me something I don't know! (gets up)

---

Jack: (singing) Well walk it out! Now walk it out! Now walk it out! Now walk it out! West side walk it out!

Ben: (pops up) OMFG quit the singing! We need to talk about Naomi. She's not who she says she is.

Jack: Hmm, sound familiar, BITCH?!?

Ben: Nope, not really. Now promise that you won't leave the island, or else we'll kill Bernard, Sayid, and Jin.

Jack: OMG WTF YOU HAVE THEM?!?

Ben: Um… yeah… they tried to blow us up, so we kidnapped them. All because we followed Juliet's instructions…

Jack: OMG WTF JULIET'S ON YOUR SIDE?!?!?

Ben: Yeah, that ho. (sounds of Bernard, Sayid, and Jin being shot over walkie-talkie)

Fans: OMG WTF THE THREE BEST LIVING CHARACTERS!!!!!!!!!

Jack: You SUCK!! This relationship is OVER!!!! (storms away) C'mon guys, let's get our asses rescued! And JULIET! Maybe she shouldn't be my GF after all… 'sup, Kate?

---

(Sayid, Jin, and Bernard aren't really dead)

Sawyer: C'mon Juliet, let's go rescue them!

Juliet: Um… how?

Sawyer: I have NO IDEA…

Hurley: (saves the day with his Volkswagen bus) See? My car plotline was really important after all!

Sawyer: Yeah, whatever. Road trip!!! (everyone hops in)

---

Alex: 'Sup guys? Anyone seen Karl around? (sees Danielle)

Danielle: OH MY BABY!!!!! (hugs)

Alex: Aaaaawkwaaaaaardddd…

Naomi: Yay, we're at the radio tower! Now alls we need to do is… (knife in back)

Locke: (having obviously just thrown knife) I still got it!

Jack: OMG WTF LOCKE?!?!? Do you not want to get rescued or something?!

Locke: Is it that obvious?

Jack: Well screw you, the phone thingy worked!!

Phone: We're coming, Jackypoo!!!

Locke and Future Jack: BAD JUJU!!!!!!!

**L-O-S-T

* * *

**_Yeah, the whole Norman and Sharona thing? Those were the MUCH COOLER names I gave Nikki and Paolo before I knew they had official names. And when I found out their names weren't really Norman and Sharona, I almost died. So, sorry for any confusion. _

_Isn't this sad? The parody can't be updated until next May:( So until next time, kids, eat your vegetables, look out for the Others, and REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_


	4. Season 4, part 1

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I said I wasn't going to update until the end of the season... or that I was going to do anything until I finished my other Harry Potter angst story... but we all know I'm a bigger liar than Benjamin Linus, so... yeah. (Not really.) It just got so freaking long that I decided to cut season 4 in half, and then I got sick of revising it so I'm posting it. Sue me! (Don't really sue me.) Season 4 has been kind of the most awesome thing EVER, so mocking it hurt my feelings a little bit. (Especially mocking "The Constant". Desmond might be my new favorite character - who's still alive. Because Charlie will ALWAYS be my favorite. And I will NEVER forgive the show for killing him off!!)

This chapter, obviously, covers everything up to the end of "Meet Kevin Johnson," so I'm all caught up until the show comes back in two weeks! Yaaaaaay!! And since I included the flashforwards this time, that's probably why it's so long. The flashforwards are in italics, and all the characters are labeled like, "Future Kate" and stuff, so hopefully it's not confusing! Enjoy, crazy fans o' mine/Lost. :)

Disclaimer: Still not mine. Though I do own all 3 seasons on DVD, an officer title in the Facebook group that refuses to accept Charlie's death, and... um... my brain? As I said above, don't sue me. Please.

_

* * *

Future Mangoes: (are vastly misleading)_

_Future Police: How dare you knock over that misleading L.A. pile o' mangoes with your car, you sick bastard?! (have high-speed car chase)_

_Future Hurley: (as he's being led away) You can't arrest me! I'M ONE OF THE OCEANIC SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIX!!_

Fans: (start vast circular and largely uninformed debate on who the Oceanic 6 are, even long after we know who all of them are)

--

Jack: Oh boy Kate! (singsong) We're finally getting off this islaaaaaaaaaaaand!! (spirit fingers)

Kate: (blinks, but decides to ignore Jack's sudden gay behavior) Well, we've got about three more seasons to go before the end of the series, but…

Jack: (interrupting) Yeah! This is great, everybody!

Everybody: w00t!

Locke: (has mysteriously vanished… again)

Desmond: (washing up on shore) Guys! Charlie's dead!

Da Phoenix: Don't remind me! (sobs hysterically)

Hurley: My best friend's dead? Whatevs. Now let's go meet Jack!

Desmond: And he said "Not Penny's boat…"

Hurley: Dude, seriously? The almost-striking writers barely focused on this _devastating_ loss, so I suggest you _let! it! go!_

Desmond: Okay… br-brutha. (misses Charlie)

(they meet Jack and his people in the jungle)

Claire: Yo, where my man at?!

Hurley: Oh, he dead. I suggest you let it go, since none of us are ever going to see him again.

_Meanwhile, in the future, Hurley keeps seeing Charlie. He's still dead (sob sob), but still._

_Dead Charlie: They need you, Hugo!_

_Future Hurley: Dude, since when have you called me "Hugo"?_

_Dead Charlie: Ha, since when have you called __me__………… Whatever! You have to go back, Hugo. You have to go baaaaack!_

_Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: Pffft, no we don't. Hey, I've been thinking about growing a beehive beard!_

_Future Hurley: (kicking his ass at basketball) Dude, that is sooooooooooooo not a good look for you._

Locke: (pops up) You totally can't go with these freighter people! They're evil!

Jack: No, they're going to get us rescued!

Locke: That's what makes them _evil, _dumbass!

Everyone: Ugh, we're conflicted!

Jack: Choose! Rescue… or being stuck on the island with the crazy jungle man?

Locke: We have VCRs and _chicken_!

Jack: Oh yeah? Well, _we_ have, um… sand…

(Claire, Aaron, Hurley, Sawyer, Rousseau, Karl, Alex, and Ben go with Locke, as well as several redshirts that will probably die in the upcoming "war")

Locke: Wait. Rose, why aren't you coming with me? Don't you think your cancer will come back if you leave this maaaaaagical island?

Rose: (in her biannual appearance) I'm not going ANYWHERE with you, crazy man.

Locke: But… but Rose! Think of what we have!! (tears up)

Bernard: (defensively) And what might _that_ be, Rose? Huh? Huh? What's the deal with you and him, huh Rose? Huh? Ya going to tell me? What? Huh?

Rose: Oh, can it, darling. Don't blow your annual appearance.

Sawyer: (turning around) Kate, you coming with me?

Jack: (looking sad) Kate?

Sawyer: Kate?

Jack: Kate?

Sawyer: Kate?

Jack: Kate?

Kate: (makes slack-jawed "contemplative" face) _AN: Think Meredith Grey when she was trying to choose between Derek and Finn._

Jack: (close to tears) You know Kate, if we can't live together-- I'm going to die alone!

Kate: (sighs heavily) Fine. But I expect you to be a good boy and stay out of the cookie jar. You know how hyper they make you.

Jack: But what if I'm huuuuuuuuuungry??

Kate: NO. COOKIE. (goes with him)

Sawyer's Heart: (breaks)

Juliet: Um, what about me-

Jack: (over her, obliviously) Whaaaaaaaat? (blows past her)

Sawyer: (to Juliet) You know, if you wanted, we could complete the love square by hooking up randomly.

Juliet: (shaking head) Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-maybe. (goes back to beach)

--

Daniel: (crashes on the island with suspicious gas masks) Yo, what up? Ready to be, uh… rescued?

Jack: (unsuspicious of him) Hell yeah we are!!

Kate: Why do you have gas masks?

Daniel: To make you suspicious of us, of course.

Miles: (jumping out of the jungle and being all Rambo) Hell yeah we're suspicious!

Charlotte: (meeting up with the Locke Lot) Hey guys!!

Ben: (shoots her)

Charlotte: (somehow had the foresight to wear a bulletproof vest) WTF MAN?!

Locke: You Freighteries are _weird!_

Claire: (whispering) "Freighteries"?

Locke: Hey, shut up! No one questioned when we called those other freaks the "Tailies"! Now let's go visit my BFF Jacob!

Claire: You mean, that guy who doesn't exist?

Ben: (sagely) When you are ready to see Jacob, Jacob will appear.

Locke: You're an idiot. Because he was totally in that house with the white ash around it…

(there is no house near the circle of white ash)

Hurley: Um, dude, actually, he's Jack's dad and he lives in some weird cabin that moves around when you least expect it to.

Karl: I thought he was a physical manifestation of the Island. Maybe God.

Ben: No, he's my_ imaginary friend! _

Locke: (giggling) Hey guys, maybe _I'm_ Jacob! (imitating Jacob) Help meeeeeeee…

(crickets)

Locke: (scowls) Fine, let's go on a panty raid to the Others' bungalows-slash-just move into their houses.

Da Phoenix: I still say Jacob doesn't exist. But then, I also thought Smokey was a robot and that Charlie would survive, so what do I know?

Alex: (as they walk) Maybe Karl's waiting for us at the barracks!

Karl: (behind her) I'm right here, Alex! You already found me last season and sent me here to warn everyone…

Alex: (over him) I haven't seen him in such a long time!

Karl: …And I was a hero because I tipped off the fact that the Others were going to attack the beach camp…

Alex: (singing wistfully) …It's almost like you're heeeeeere wiiiiiiith meeeeeee, although we're far apaaaaaaaaaart…

Karl: …And your dad stole my gun to try to kill Charlotte _just now_… Alex! Are you listening to me?!

Alex: (looking up with a tear in her eye) Oh Karl, how I miss thee! I look up at the stars and see all our dorky constellations, and I _miss you!_

Karl: (insistently) Aaaaaaaaaaalex!!

Rousseau: Just ignore her, Karl. 16 years living with Ben has made her a little crazy.

Da Phoenix: Well, that, or your _genes,_ Rousseau.

--

Frank: Guess what? All us freighter folk have sketchy pasts!

Jack: Join the club. Although technically, to get into our exclusive club, you need to have documentation of daddy issues somewhere in your murky pasts… do you??

Miles: You mean _sketchy_ pasts. Um, maybe. The writers haven't decided yet. And they're on strike, so who knows when they'll find the time to decide?

Frank: We most likely do somehow though, since everyone else on this show has some kinda daddy issues.

Daniel: (suddenly whining) Miiiiiiiiles!

Miles: Ugh, what do you want, you weirdo physicist?

Daniel: (tearing up) I miss Chaaaaaaaarlotte…

Sayid: Wow, you're obnoxious. Miles, let's go get this Charlotte person from the psychopath who lives on the other side of the island.

Miles: (is a sketchball)

Kate: I'll go with youse! See ya Jack… (blows him a kiss)

Jack: (oblivious to her "advances") Ooh, Daniel has shiny equipment!

Daniel: (does freaky time experiments involving missiles and stopwatches)

Jack: (weirded out) Um… does he always do that?

Frank: (oblivious to weirdness of Daniel's behavior) Do what?

(In the background, Daniel yells, "31 MINUTES!!" and runs around in circles, eventually hitting his head on his equipment and collapsing)

--

Claire: (cheerfully) Kate! How are you? So glad you could visit… Do you want some coffee?

Kate: Um… sure… shouldn't you be grieving for Charlie or something?

Claire: Yeah, probably, but the almost-striking writers didn't give me any scenes in which to do that.

Charlie and Claire's Relationship: (has died silently, much like Charlie himself…)

Da Phoenix's Computer: (gets fried as her tears soak into the keyboard)

Claire: Anyway, you want to hold Aaron for a moment?

Kate: Nah, I don't want your baby.

_Meanwhile, in the future, Kate has kidnapped Claire's baby._

_Future Kate: Hey, she did say I should try parenthood!_

_Future Da Phoenix: I'm pretty sure she didn't mean with HER KID, though._

_Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: (in court) Kate's a hero! She saved eight of us, but then two died…_

_Future Kate: Stop! You can't tell these lies in court, you stupid almost-beardy face!_

_Future, um… Judge: Whatevs. You're cleared of all charges, Kate, because even though you blew up your dad, saving people's lives in a plane crash makes up for everything!_

_Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: I don't want to see Aaron for some reason._

_Future Kate: Fine. I guess you'll just be ambiguous for ambiguousness…s sake._

_Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: How's this for un-ambiguity: I love you!_

_Future Kate: And I still can't make up my mind, even when Sawyer's not in the picture!_

Sawyer: (walking up) Hey, Freckles.

Kate: (overjoyed) Sawyer! (kisses him multiple times all over his beautiful face)

Sayid: There is no time for love triangle flip-flopping right now, Kate. Locke, just give me dang Charlotte already!

Locke: Fine, but I get to keep the mouthy, sketchy wannabe Ghostbuster.

Sayid: Deal.

(they both hock, spit into their hands, and shake)

Locke: (still shaking hands with Sayid) Don't trust anything Ben says, by the way.

Sayid: Pffft. I'd rather sell my soul to the devil than work for _that_ guy.

_Meanwhile, in the future, Sayid is working as a mercenary for Ben._

_Future Sayid: So, I end up selling my soul to the devil?_

_Future Ben: Well, to me, but yeah. _

_Future Sayid: Anyway, time for me to be ambiguous. The economist! Is! Not! An! Economist!!_

_Future Da Phoenix: (indifferent to this "economist" development) Oooooookeaaaaaaaaayyyyy._

Kate: Okay, now that he's your prisoner, I really, really, really want to talk to Miles, even though I kind of had the chance to do so on the way over here.

Locke: Yeah, keep dreaming, Kate.

Kate: (kidnaps Miles and brings him to Ben's prison room)

Miles: (to Ben) You know we Freighteries are here for you, right?

Ben: And not to rescue everyone? Yeah, I got that much. Did you also know I have _a man on your boat_ (coughMICHAELcough)?!

Miles: (pleasantly surprised) No, I didn't know that.

Ben: Yeah, just providing essential background information to the readers who are going to get on Da Phoenix's case later for not saying anything in the relevant part of the parody.

Fans: Yeah, except you still stuck it in the wrong part…

Da Phoenix: (fixes duct tape to the mouths of all the people who expect her to remain faithful to the stuff she's mocking)

Miles: Okay, cool beans. So, if you give me 3.2 million dollars, I'll lie to my boss and say that you're already dead.

Ben: Um, I'm a prisoner on a freaking _island._ How am I going to get money?

Miles: You tell me, Man of a Thousand Passports.

Kate: Bus-_ted!_ (pushes Miles against a wall) Now… _who am I??_

Miles: Um, duh. You're Kate.

Kate: (releases him, disappointed) Crap. You know my name.

Miles: Basically, we know everything. We're like the Others were last season, except wayyyyyyy sketchier.

Locke: (bursting in) Kate! How dare you kidnap the person I rightfully imprisoned? You're banished!

Sawyer: Well, I _un_-banish you. (smiles heartbreakingly at her)

Kate: Oh Sawyer! (bats eyelashes) And I'm not pregnant.

Sawyer: (pumping fist) _Score!_

Kate: (suddenly upset) You _suck!_ (runs off to Jack's camp)

Sawyer: (yelling after her) What? If you got pregnant here, you would die! Was your _brain_ turned off last season? Aren't you paying attention to _Sun's current plotline_?

Kate: (is already gone)

Sawyer's Heart: (clearly belongs to the wrong woman. Not that there's a whole lot of women on this island to begin with.)

Locke: (back in sketchy lake cabin) Okay Miles, talk! Just talk!

Miles: I-

Locke: Shut up! (shoves a LIVE GRENADE in his MOUTH)

Miles: (will be like that for pretty much the next four episodes or so, since the almost-striking writers clearly forgot about him)

Hurley: Psych-o-path.

--

Sayid: (coming back to the helicopter with Charlotte) Mkay Jack, here's your stupid annoying British archaeologist who found _polar bears_ in the_ desert_. Can I _please_ be the first one off the island now?

Jack: "May" I, Sayid. Just because English isn't your first language, that's no excuse for using impolite syntax.

Sayid: (sighs heavily) _May_ I please be the first one off the island?

Jack: Why sure!

Desmond: (walking up) Can I go for a ride in the pretty helicopter too??

Jack: Well, _I_ was hoping to leave this island eventually, maybe grow a beehive beard, get addicted to some kind of nondescript pills and desperately try to get back here…

Desmond: Whatever, I don't need your permission. You ain't the boss of me! I wasn't on the plane with you! (climbs into helicopter)

Frank: Room for one more…

Jack: Score! (tries to climb in but…)

Sayid: (pulls Naomi's rotting carcass into helicopter) Suckaaaaaaaaa!!

(they take off and fly to the pretty freighter through the pretty thunderstorm when…)

Desmond: Agh! Who are you people?!

Sayid: Desmond's gone crazy!

Frank: Ohhhh God. I've seen this before. His consciousness will go back and forth between now and like eight years ago until… BOOM! He gets a nosebleed and _dies!_

Desmond: You've seen this before?!

Frank: Eleven times, as a matter of fact. Oh, look at that! The freighter!

George Minkowski: (sketch) Ooh, the pretty Ferris wheel!! Just call Daniel, he'll fix you up! Just like he fixed me… (gets a nosebleed and dies)

Desmond: (frantic, on the phone) Hello, Daniel, I- what? Happened before? Eleven times?! Gah!!

Daniel: (on phone) 'S okay, Desmond. Just come visit me in the past and I'll fix you up!

Past Daniel: Oh yeah, you need a constant so your brain doesn't explode.

Desmond: PENNY!!

Past Daniel: …No, a penny would _not_ make a good constant, since it could fall out of a hole in your pocket. Something like… a person, who exists both now and then… (bats eyes suggestively)

Desmond: I meant my _girlfriend,_ idiot.

Past Daniel: Aw _man_! (hangs head in disappointment)

Desmond: (back on the boat) Okay Sayid, I need to call my GF Penny like NOW. Can you fix the phones?

Sayid: (looks at the destroyed control panel with a kajillion cut wires) Give me two minutes and a stick of gum, and we're in business. (takes the gum and chews it while fiddling with wires) DONE!

Desmond: Wait… why'd you need the gum, brutha? (misses Charlie)

Sayid: Because my breath is TERRIBLE. I ain't brushed my teeth in three months, brah! (snaps gum)

Desmond: Fair enough, Suddenly Ghetto Sayid. (calling Penny) Penny? Penny? Pick up, I need you to fix my brain!

Penny: (picks up) Desmond? You're alive!! Oh my God! I love you, even though when you left three years ago we weren't speaking to each other and I was going to marry some other dude!

Desmond: I love you too!!

(they both make kissing noises over the phone)

-SIX HOURS LATER-

Penny and Desmond: (are still making kissing noises)

Sayid: (slack-jawed, eyes glazing over out of boredom and disgust)

Penny: (flirtatiously) …You hang up first!

Desmond: (also flirtatiously) No, _you _hang up first!

Penny: No, _you_ hang up first!

Desmond: No, _you _hang up first!

Penny: No, _you_ hang up first!

Desmond: No, _you_ hang up f- (dial tone)

Sayid: (holding disconnected battery in his hands) …Oops. (feigns innocence)

Desmond: 'S cool… brutha. (misses Charlie) Let's just hope that was enough to fix my brain!

Sayid: I'll say. 'Cause if it wasn't, I'll need to listen to another one of your saccharine conversations with the woman you love, while I'm forced to think of all the women I loved that the almost-striking writers ripped away from me tragically. (suddenly screams in anguish) SHANNON!!

Desmond: Dang, have you not had any sort of storyline since Shannon died? That was way back in season two, brutha! (misses Charlie)

Sayid: (screaming in anguish) NADIA!!

Desmond: Guess not.

Sayid: Thank _God_ I become a shady missionary in the future… (Desmond gives him a weird look) Er, I mean mercenary. Shady _mercenary._

Desmond: You seriously need a refresher course in English, don't you?

Sayid: Can it, _Scotsman._

-MEANWHILE-

Daniel's Diary... I mean Scientific Journal: If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume will be _my_ constant.

Daniel: (hugs page to his heart with a dreamy look on his face)

--

Charlotte and Daniel: (sneak off giggling into the jungle in the dead of night)

Jack: Dang it, Jin, why didn't you do anything to stop them?!

Jin: (magically pretty good at English) Because you said they weren't suspicious people.

Jack: Well, I just decided to change my mind.

Juliet: They'll probably try to kill us all with poison gas, like Ben was planning to do!

Jack: Pffft, Ben killing people with poison gas. Like _that _would ever happen.

Dharma Initiative Purge: Ahem.

Jack: Anyhoo, we should try and stop them! Because Freighteries are sketchy!!

Juliet: "Freighteries"? Ugh, not you _too…_

Kate: (rubbing her head while on the ground) Charlotte knocked me out when I asked for directions to your camp!

Jack: So… you pick me?! (squees)

Kate: (disgusted) Ugh. Maybe. Though at this rate, I'm not sure I'll end up with either one of you, since Sawyer hates me and you're an idiot…

Juliet: (in the poison gas plant thing) What the _hell_ are you guys doing?!

Daniel: Just saving the world! (pushes button)

Kelvin: (yelling from Dead Tertiary Character Purgatory) POSER!!

Poison Gas: (magically deactivated)

Juliet: Well, dang it, why didn't you just say you were going to do that before?

Charlotte: Because sneaking off giggling into the jungle in the dead of night was _so_ much more fun.

Jack: Juliet, the way you negotiated that crisis was so _awesome!!_ (randomly kisses her)

(Where has Kate gone during this scene?)

Jack: And the love square is solidified!

Julyer Ship: (doesn't exist)

Jack: Well, solidified-_ish._

Juliet: Yeah, about that… Ben's kinda sorta obsessed with me. He installed cameras in my shower and weird shiz like that…

Jack: Damn it! I'm in a love pentagon with _Benjamin Linus?!_

--

Sun: I'm still pregnant!

Juliet: And you'll still die if you stay here!

Sun: Whatever, we're going to Locke's camp, since that Daniel Faraday is a major sketchball.

Juliet: Actually, I think you're thinking of Miles.

Miles: (still has a grenade in his mouth! Hellooooooooooo?)

Sun: Plus, we still don't trust you. Or the... Boaties.

Juliet: Okay, now they sound like "floaties".

Jin: Where Sun goes, I go. You'll never lose me, babe!

_Meanwhile, in the future, Sun has gone somewhere without Jin. And has lost him, babe._

_Future Sun: Aww, look at my little baby girl! Ji-Yeon is the most awesome name ever!_

_Future Hurley: Word. _

_(they stare sadly at Jin's gravestone)_

_Future Sun: (in Korean) I miss you so much, Jin!! But do I miss you because you're dead, or because you're still on the island?? Who knows? I'm being purposefully ambiguous!_

Juliet: Jin, Sun had an affair with a rich bald guy.

Jin: OMG WTF LOCKE?!

Juliet: No no no, a RICH bald guy, back in Korea.

Jin: Cuh-rap! What an inconvenient time for me to become partially fluent in English!

Bernard: (in the fishing boat, monologuing with a redneck accent) Kaaaaaaarmaaaaa! I think that's something Carson Daly came up with… (pause, speaks normally) Plus it rhymes with "Dharma"!!

Internet Theorists: (seize on this circumstantial information and spin complex theories out of it)

Bernard: Ha ha! So much for an "annual" appearance! I've been in two of the last seven episodes, so _suck it, Scott!_

Steve: I'm STEVE, damn it!! Scott's been dead for like EVER!

Bernard: Really? You sure about that?

Steve: …No.

Sun: (crying) I'm so sorry, Jin-soo!

Jin: (smiling) That's okay. See, you were cheating on the _past_ me, that jerkwad who would kill someone over stealing a taxi and destroying my crappy late 90's phone. The kid's mine though, right?

Sun: Oh, totally! We definitely established that last season!

Jin: (remembering) Oh yeah!

(gloriously romantic momeeeeeent!!)

Da Phoenix: (will seriously hurt someone if Jin actually dies. Claire too, for that matter.)

--

Ben: Hey Alex, you should "take" Danielle and Karl to the "temple," which is a "safe place" where none of you will get "shot at"!

Danielle: Even though I was the most paranoid character imaginable in season 1, and I absolutely hate you for stealing my daughter and keeping her captive for sixteen years, and you're a manipulative bastard whom no one should ever put their trust in, I trust you completely, Ben!

Plotholes: (are becoming more and more gaping as the series goes on)

Alex: Mom, you say "whom"?? And when did we even _find_ Karl?

Karl: (screaming right behind her) I'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE FREAKING TIME!!

Alex: (having just spotted him, overjoyed) Karl! (glomps)

Fans: (loudly protest Da Phoenix's inaccuracy, but protesting is muffled by duct tape)

Da Phoenix: (cupping hand over her ear, grinning) What? What's that? I can't hear you.

Miles: Oh, and I magically got the grenade out of my mouth without blowing myself up!

Hurley: That's weird.

Miles: Well, gots to keep me around. I'm a sketchy character who talks to ghosts! (grins)

Hurley: (Jim Halpert-like deadpan stare into the camera)

Damon Lindelof: Hey, cut that out, Jorge! This ain't no mockumentary sitcom! And you are nowhere near as hot as John Krasinski!

Da Phoenix: Sorry, wrong show I'm obsessed with.

--

Sayid: (spitting out food) Ugh! Lima beans?! Lima beans are disgusting!! This is what I used to feed to my torture victims! To torture them!

Desmond: (deadpan) Wow. Now your character has been meaningfully developed in the following way: you hate lima beans. Riveting.

Sayid: Hey, shut up! At least I have a mysterious flashforward story, so that some time in the future my character will actually contribute to a storyline in a meaningful way that doesn't involve torture, electronics, pining for some whiny rich girl, or _lima beans!_

Note: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL- ahem. Don't trust the captain!

Captain: Ben staged the Oceanic wreck! Some'n 'bout a saboteur (coughMICHAELcough). Oh, and I work for Penny's evil dad.

Desmond: Say WHAT?!

Regina: (randomly commits suicide)

Captain: Yeah, no big! Sometimes us Freighteries just gots to get our freak on! Anyway, come meet our resident turncoat/janitor! (calling) Oh Keeeeeeeeeeeeeevinnnnnnnnnn…

Kevin Johnson: (is actually secretly MICHAEL!!)

Da Phoenix: (sarcastic) Oh really? Michael? None of us saw that coming, since Harold Perrineau's name was definitely not in the credits for the past seven episodes. Yup. Oh wow, _Lost_ producers, what an unexpected twist. You're really killing me here. I think I'm going to keel over from a heart attack and die, from that surprise. Who would have guessed that Michael would make a "shocking" reappearance? You really know how to keep surprise guests a secret. Mmhmm.

Michael: (trying to be chipper) Um… hi guys!

Sayid: (glare glare)

Desmond: (has never met Michael) Hi, I'm Desmond. I don't believe we've had the pleasure… (extends hand to shake)

Sayid: (slapping Desmond's hand out of the way) Hey! Do not be nice to him, he brings death everywhere he goes! Whenever he shows up after a long absence, two people end up getting shot!

Desmond: I really think you're overreacting, brutha. (misses Charlie)

(Meanwhile, back on the island, Karl and Danielle get shot)

Almost-Striking Writers: We can't have a Daniel _and_ a Danielle! That'd be too confusing! Just like having a Charlie and a Charlotte would have been confusing…

Da Phoenix: THAT'S WHY YOU GIVE THE NEW CHARACTERS VERY DIFFERENT NAMES, MORONS!! (mutters) Seriously, if _that's_ the reason you killed Charlie, I'll be _pissed._

Michael: Whatever. So you guys, I have a crazy flashback story! I told WAAAAALT about killing Ana Lucia and Libby and he got really sad, partly because I killed two people, but mostly because I left Vincent behind on the island, and so he went to live with my mom and dead Libby was stalking me and then I tried to kill myself but Tom came and was all, "No way man! You have to work for Ben and go to Fiji to be a saboteur on a sketchy freighter!"

Desmond: Who the bloody hell _are_ all these people?!

Michael: (ignoring him) Yeah, plus he says some guy named Widmore's responsible for staging the wreck? Oh, and Tom's gay. (giggles immaturely) Anyway, and then Ben told me to blow up the freighter but the bomb was just a fake with a funny flag saying "Gotcha!" Plus there was some random crap about another optimistic Mama Cass song…

Desmond: Darn straight!! (tries to pound fists with Michael for having similar taste in music)

Michael: (still ignoring him) So I just decided to rip up all the radio equipment and mess up the engine.

Desmond: So… _you've_ been sabotaging everything on the ship?

Michael: (proudly) Naturally!

Sayid: (shouting) Saboteur! Saboteur! (drags Michael to the captain) I found the saboteur! (to Michael) I'm going to kill you for real. This game, this _mind game_ you've been playing for four seasons - I mean, three months - is over. Now, I'm really going to shoot you. Now, where can I get a gun?!

Fans: (ripping off duct tape) Ow. God, Da Phoenix, quit trying to fit references from _The Office_ into this parody!

Da Phoenix: But it fits so well!

Fans: No it _doesn't!_

Da Phoenix: (gets out the duct tape again and slaps more over their mouths) Silence, infidels!

-BACK ON THE ISLAND-

Alex: (scared crapless) Don't shoot me! I'm Ben's daughter! Except for not really, since he's not my real father.

(people come rustling out of the bushes)

Alex: YOU?! OMG! I can't believe it, it's-

Narrator: We interrupt this parody for a brief WRITER'S STRIIIIIIIIKE!!


	5. Season 4, part 2

I'm back for part 2! As are all of you, hopefully... anywho, this covers everything the first part didn't cover of season 4: namely, "The Shape of Things to Come" to the end of the season. And Lost still isn't mine... though a killer case of Lost withdrawal already is.

* * *

(everyone is standing in a circle staring at each other)

Sawyer: Um, is the writer's strike over? Are we allowed to move the plot forward now?

Keamy: (checking watch) Not yet… ten more seconds…

-TEN SECONDS LATER-

Ben: (mid-speech to Locke) …Well, think about it. What's the most exciting thing that can happen on TV, or in real life? Somebody has a _gun!_ That's why I keep stashes of them in my piano bench at all times! Just in case life starts to get a little boring.

Hurley: (looking out the window) Um, dude, hate to interrupt, but I think the plot just started up again.

Alex: (kidnapped by the evil Freighteries) You guys suck! And you're really evil after all! And you have a terrible nickname!

Keamy: Good thing most people don't call us that then. Now. Let us into New Otherton so we can blow stuff up!

Freighteries: (start shooting all the non-series regulars)

Redshirt 1: What's going- aah! (shot dead)

Sawyer: (frantically trying to hit snipers) OMG! All you redshirts get back inside!

Redshirts 2 and 3: (coming outside) Did that guy just get shot- argh! (both of them get shot dead)

Sawyer: STUPID, STUPID REDSHIRTS!! (runs to save Claire from a similar stupidity-caused fate)

Claire's House: (explodes)

Claire: (somehow okay, but delirious) Charlieeeee…

Sawyer: I'll save you Claire!! (carries her to Ben's house)

Claire: Hey, do you think I died already and just no one thought to tell you guys?

Sawyer: Puh-lease. Do you really think they'd do something like that to the viewers?

Damon and Carlton: Hmmm… well… would we?

Ben: _Guys! _Can we focus? That bastard Keamy's holding a gun to Alex's head!

Keamy: Come out here, Ben, or I will totally shoot your daughter dead.

Alex: (whining into walkie-talkie) Daaaaaaaaad!!

Ben: Don't worry Alex, I got this one. Hey Keamy! You're a poophead!

Keamy: Grr. (shoots Alex dead)

Ben: …

Locke: Okay, we need to escape. Ben, what's the plan?

Ben: (blinks)

Hurley: Dude?

Ben's Bug-Like Eye: (twitch twitch twitch)

Sawyer: (whispers) Let's turn him in now.

Claire: No. That's mean.

Ben: (mutters something like "He changed the rules". Or "Pea-brains are fools". Or "Rearrange the pools".)

Sawyer: (back to Claire, agreeably) Yeah, you're right. If you weren't possibly dead, we could totally hook up.

Claire: Yay! Charlie who?

Da Phoenix: Gasp!! …It's okay, Claire. I blame the writers for your egregious lapse in memory.

Locke: Ben, what d'ya say?

Ben: …………………… (abruptly screaming) SIC 'EM, SMOKEY!!

Smokey: (totally eats the Freighteries)

Locke: Ben, you liarpants! You said you didn't know what the smoke monster was!

Ben: I know. That was _obviously_ a mutant raincloud. Or maybe I just lied to you. Again. Now John, Hurley, let's go say hi to Jacob.

Hurley: Um, okay, dude. But you're totally done getting your revenge for this little mishap with Alex, right?

Ben: Oh, yeah, of course.

_Meanwhile, in the future… oh, you get it. Ben's still killing people to avenge Alex's death, even though it's kind of his fault she's dead. Also, he has traveled to the Tunisian future because of that whole move-the-island thing that's going to come up later. (Oops. Um… spoiler alert?)_

_Future Ben: Hey Sayid, come and kill people for me._

_Future Sayid: Will do, since you told me Widmore killed Nadia and all._

_Future Da Phoenix: NOOOOOOO NOT NADIA!!_

_Future Ben: (smiles mysteriously, then takes a taxi from Iraq to London. Or you know, teleports there or something.) Widmore, you totally killed my daughter, and that sucks._

_Future Widmore: No, actually, Keamy totally killed her. Ain't my fault he's a sexy bastard._

_Future Ben: Well, I'm going to kill Penny, so look out!_

_Future Desmond: NO EFFIN' WAY, BRUTHA!! … (misses Charlie somewhat belatedly)_

Sawyer: Whatevs. Me and Claire are totally blowing this island joint. We're going to start a love nest at the beach!

Claire: Oh Char- Sawyer!

Sawyer: Oh Freck- Claire!

Da Phoenix: Hmm… Kate's a bitch and Charlie's DEAD… I think I can live with this ship!

--

Ship's Doctor: (washes up dead on the beach)

Charlotte: Whoa. That's weird. But I know nothing! Nothing, I say!

Daniel: Yeah… nothing…

Jack: (getting mysteriously sicker ever since Kate tried to striptease for him) Whatever, ask your boat what happened to him, but for some reason use Morse code instead of just talking to them! Bernard, come here and translate so I know they're not lying.

Bernard: (startled) What? Me? I'm in another episode this season? Whoo hoo! I'm 3 for 9, baby!

Jack: Yeah, don't let it go to your head. You somehow speak Morse code even though you're a dentist, right?

Bernard: … Yeah, I "speak" Morse code, you dot dot dash dot dot dot dot dash dash dash dash.

Jack: (unaware that he's just been PWND in Morse code) Great!

Phone: (makes beeping noises)

Daniel: (perturbed) Um… everything's great! Yeah!

Bernard: He's totally lying. Plus the doctor's not dead… in this time zone. (eerie Twilight Zone music) Hey, check it out! I did something useful for the camp! (is proud)

Jack: (looks sad) You weren't ever going to rescue us, were you, Freighteries?

Daniel: Gee, what gave it away?

--

Miles: (walking in the jungle with Sawyaire, aka Da Phoenix's new favorite ship) Hey Claire, gimme the baby.

Claire: Um, no, you creeper.

Sawyer: Hey you! Restraining order!

Miles: Whatever. Hey, since I hear dead people, I know Karl and Danielle really _are_ dead!

Da Phoenix: Boooooo!

Freighter Mercenaries: (by contrast, AREN'T really dead, even though Smokey clearly ate them last episode)

Frank: Miles! You've got to hide from "our" people!

Miles: Will do, since clearly you and I – and Daniel – are the only Freighteries that aren't out to kill everyone!

Frank: And Charlotte, right?

Miles: Eh. Her I'm not so sure about.

(they all hide in the bushes, Sawyer nearly shoots Keamy in the face, but then Frank saves them all by telling the mercenaries to go away)

Claire: (in the middle of the night) ZOMG Dad! (follows Christian into the jungle, _leaving Aaron behind?!)_

Sawyer: (holding Aaron) Dammit Claire, you're supposed to raise your dang baby! Come back here! Do you _want_ him to get on the helicopter without you?! What about Desmond's vision that killed Charlie? _It has to come true or there will be some very angry fans!!_

Aaron: Yeah, and who's supposed to feed me now?

Sawyer: I know, right? And what about our beach love nest? Claire! Claaaaaaaaaaire!!

Michael: (hears him from the freighter) Hey, _I'm_ the one who's supposed to scream the name of a loved one in the middle of the deserted jungle!

--

Juliet: So, Jack. That "suspicious stomach bug" you have? It's really appendicitis.

Jack: Dang. Guess I'll just have to operate on myself then.

Juliet: Um, no. I'll do it for you.

Jack: But, Juliet! If we can't live together, we're going to die alone!

Juliet: Yeah, I don't think that speech applies here.

Jack: Pffft, nonsense. Really Juliet, I can do my own surgery…

Juliet: Good lord, Jack, can't you just let this go?

Jack: NO I CAN'T!! You should know by now that I can never let ANYTHING go!!

Kate: Well, I'm sure that's _bound_ to change in the future.

_Meanwhile, in the future, nothing about Jack has changed. And if you expected them to, then… you expected wrong._

_Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: Marry me, Kateeeeeeeeeee!!_

_Future Kate: Okay!_

_Jaters: Yay!_

_Skaters: (throw up. A LOT.)_

_Future Kate: Just let me make several suspicious phone calls to/for/about Sawyer first._

_Skaters: (stop throwing up) Yay!_

_Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: Well, forget it then! I'll just go and start seeing hallucinations of my dead daddy and get addicted to anti-anxiety pills and alcohol!_

_Future Kate: (angrily) Fine! Get out of my house, you deadbeat!_

_Future Loony-Bin Hurley: Yo Jack. Dead Charlie told me to tell you that you're not supposed to raise Aaron. At least, that's probably who he was talking about. Messages from the dead are so infuriatingly ambiguous…_

_Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: I'm so depressed. Nothing left for me to do now but grow a beehive beard!_

Juliet: So even though I'm definitely not a surgeon, I'm still going to attempt risky desert island surgery on Jack! With Bernard's help, of course.

Bernard: (trembling) Wh-what? I've been in 4 of the last 10 episodes, with a significant role in each?! I'm… I'm gonna die soon, aren't I?! (sobs)

Juliet: (sighs heavily) Just knock him out, Bernard.

Bernard: Fine. (smothering Jack with chloroform) It's ok, Jack. Just think of something nice back home.

Jack: THERE IS NOTHING "NICE" WAITING FOR ME BACK HOME, YOU… (mutters incoherently and passes out)

Daniel: Hey, guess what?! Jin and I went into the Fortress of Estrogen without our faces melting off!! What was that about "no boys allowed", Juliet? Hm?

Juliet: Just so you know, every boy who ever went down there is dead now.

Daniel: (dramatic music, zoom in) …What?

Jin: Bad news for Future Me then, I guess. (to Charlotte in Korean) Hey Charlotte, you totally speak Korean, which I know, because I rock. Get Sun off this island or I break Daniel-who-has-a-crush-on-you's face, mkay?

Charlotte: (in Korean) Fine, whatever. (pause) Wait, he has a crush on me?! Squee!

Juliet: Good news, Kate! Jack didn't die from this surgery, even though I'm a fertility doctor who's never held a scalpel before, none of the instruments are sterilized, and we're on a sand-filled, germy beach instead of in a hospital!

Kate: Good. I didn't want to be stuck choosing Sawyer if Jack was dead!

Juliet: BTW, Jack kissed me, but I think he loves you, mainly because he was understandably freaked out about having to compete with Ben for my affections. But of course, we're going to keep that part nice and ambiguous so our love polygon can continue to thrive.

Kate: Good idea. Don't want EVERYTHING resolved with 2 more seasons to go, after all.

--

Locke: So guys, I totally had this vision with a dead Dharma guy who's going to tell us how to find Jacob!

Ben: (nostalgically) I used to have dreams too…

Locke: Well blah blah I'm better than you blah blah Island magic blah blah blah destiny blah.

Ben: Great speech, John. But you know, destiny is a fickle bitch.

That: (was the best line ever)

Locke: Yeah, whatever, Benry. Hey, check it out! The cabin!

Hurley: Yeah… I think Ben and I will just hang out here and eat an Apollo bar.

Ben: (grumbles while chewing candy) Locke's the new chosen one, wtf…

_Meanwhile, in the… past… the Others have been recruiting Locke since like, birth._

Locke: Damn _straight_ I'm the chosen one!

Christian: (in the cabin) 'Sup John? I'm Jacob's meat puppet!

Claire: And I'm just going to mysteriously be in here too, being all nonchalant about having left my baby alone in the jungle!

Locke: WTF? Are you like, _dead_ or something?

Christian: Why don't you just ask the only question that really matters?

Locke: WHAT IS CLAIRE DOING IN HERE?!

Christian: Nope, not that one.

Locke: Um okay… erm… what is the Monster?

Christian: Guess again!

Locke: (ponders long list of unanswered questions in the show) ...Where are we?

Christian: Nope! Last chance.

Locke: …How come the island hasn't cured my baldness too?

Christian: Never mind, I'll just tell you how to save the Island.

Locke: (coming out of cabin) Guys!! Jacob wants us to take the Island and _push _it somewhere else!!

Hurley: (contemplatively) …That idea may just be crazy enough… TO GET US ALL KILLED!!

--

Keamy: So Captain: That smoke column/mutant raincloud/generally creepy thing in the jungle totally killed one of my fellow evil mercenaries. But I'm going back to the Island to kill everyone anyway!

Captain: Dude, mass murder was _soooo_ not in my contract.

Sayid: _Why_ were we not supposed to trust the captain again? I'd say we're not supposed to trust Keamy!

Captain: I know, right? Anyway, you guys should take this boat and go save your people. But remember: 305°, side effects, etc. etc.

Sayid: Sweet, I can be a hero again! Let's go, Dezzy!!

Desmond: Enh. Penny.

Sayid: Pffffff. You're such a wimp.

Desmond: (splutters) NO! I'm a… romantic…

Sayid: Whatever you say. (drives the boat off heroically while Desmond twiddles his thumbs)

Keamy: So Doctor, we got this weird Morse code message that said you were already dead.

Doctor: That _is_ weird.

Keamy: Guess I'd better kill you then! (slits his throat and dumps him overboard, where he washes up two episodes… earlier?)

Da Phoenix: Guh… show… melting… brain…

Michael: (tied up, but still won't die) Frank! Don't take Keamy back to the Island, dude! He'll kill everyone!

Keamy: Frank! Take me back to the Island, dude! So I can kill everyone!

Frank: Hmmm… who to obey? (ponders)

Keamy: Well, I just shot the Captain! AND I have a guitar tuner thingy on my arm!

Frank: Well, I can't argue with that logic! (flies the mercenaries back to the island like a COWARD, though he manages to drop a sat phone for the Islanders)

Jack: (picks up phone) Yay, now we can go right to where these people are, and they can totally rescue us!

Juliet: You DUMBASS!! Have you been _asleep_ this entire season?!

Jack: No, just stupid. For the entire series. OK, let's go find that chopper, Kate!

Juliet: But Jack, you just had an append-

Jack; Yeah, shut up, Jules! (goes anyway)

Juliet: (near tears) Well, just try not to _die_ then, Jack! (storms off tempestuously)

Da Phoenix: Don't listen to her, Jack. You can die if you really want to.

--

Ben: Let's have a pointless scene, you guys!

Locke: Okay!

(something with ancient crackers and a mirror)

Hurley: Thank goodness that's over. Now how are we going to "move the Island"?

Ben: With the Orchid.

Hurley: Cool. …Wait, what's the-

Ben: Oh crap! The mercenaries are already there!

Locke: That sucks. Let's just forget it then.

Ben: No no, I have a plan. I'ma turn myself in to the Freighteries, even though I've just spent the entire season staying away from them, to the point of letting them kill my daughter so I could keep my freedom!

(Ben gets sucked into a black plot hole. I mean, pistol-whipped into oblivion by Keamy.)

--

Kate: So, Jack. You're bleeding from that major surgery you just had like, yesterday.

Jack: No I'm not. Transparent medical-sounding lie!

Kate: _How_ have you survived for this long?

(before Jack can come up with another transparent medical-sounding lie, Miles, Sawyer, and Aaron stumble out of the jungle)

Kate: Oh Sawyer!

Sawyer: Oh Claire!

Kate: …

Sawyer: As in "Oh, we lost Claire". Anyway, time to catch y'all up on the plot, since you were busy having a less action-movie like time down on the beach. And to _rub it in your face, Jack!_ Locke was right about the Freighteries being evil!

Jack: (not listening) That's great, Scott. Now I'm going to go after the helicopter to get rescued, so… cya!

Sawyer: (rolls eyes) Hold up, you don't get to die alone! (leaves Aaron with Kate as he chases after Jack)

Kate: Hey! My fantasy is not two men chasing after _each other!_ (looks at Aaron maternally)

Aaron: Don't even _think_ about pretending I'm your baby!

_Meanwhile, in the future, Kate is pretending Aaron's her baby. Which is only one of the 4815162342 transparent lies the Oceanic Six are telling the world._

_Future Sayid: But on the bright side, me and Nadia got married!_

_Fans: (knowing what happens to her) Nooooooooooo Nadia!! (sob)_

_Future Sun: Also, I bought my daddy's company! _

_Future Mr. Paik: Well, this sucks._

_Future Sun: Well, you killed Jin! So nyeah!!_

_Future Hurley: ZOMG the Numbers are on this dashboard! The curse! THE CURSE!! (runs screaming down the street)_

_Future Claire's Mom: (at Christian's memorial) Yo Jack, Claire was your secret half-sister!_

_Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: (is flabbergasted)_

_Fans: About TIME_ _one of them figured it out!_

Frank: (wearing the helicopter as a charm bracelet) ZOMG you guys, you found me! Hooray for you!

Sawyer: You mean hooray for ME. So what's going on, you yahoo?

Frank: Oh, you know. Keamy's out to kill everyone, especially the people with Ben, yadda yadda. You know, same old.

Sawyer: Heavy sigh. Well, now we got to go save Hurley. He's one of the Oceanic Six, after all.

Jack: (paying attention for once) One of the _what?_

Sawyer: … (points into the jungle) Look, Jack! Shiny!

Jack: (hypnotized) Oooooooooh, I liiiiiiiiike shiny…

(they go to the Orchid)

--

Sayid: OK all you redshirts! Time to get rescued!

Kate: (stumbling out of the jungle) No, we can't leave Jack behind! They've got him and we've got to get him back. I _owe_ him that!

Sayid: Wait… _who's_ got him?

Kate: Um… uh… Sun! Take Aaron so I can chase after Jack!

Sun: Face it, Kate: He's just not that into you.

Sayid: Well, let's go anyway, since I'm the newly-appreciated supercool action hero of the show! (he and Kate go into the jungle)

Redshirts: But who's going to rescue us then?

Daniel: (raising hand and jumping up and down) Ooh! I'll take the redshirts to the freighter!

Juliet: Well, you're eager to prove yourself, ain't ya? (lets Daniel take a bunch of redshirts, plus Jin, Sun, and Aaron, to the freighter)

Kate: (running through the jungle) Jack! Jaaaaack!

Sayid: Kate, if you don't quit stealing Michael's thunder, someone's going to-

Richard Alpert: "Find us"?

Kate: Wow Sayid, your voice sounded really funny just then! (turns to see that they're surrounded by Others) …Ohhhhhhh.

Sayid: (facepalm)

--

Michael: (to Sun and Jin on the freighter) Hi guys! Miss me?

Sun and Jin: (glare glare)

Michael: Oh right… the whole double murder/quadruple kidnapping thing would kind of put a damper on our friendship…

Desmond: (wandering around the freighter) Sigh. Sayid got to go off and be an action hero, while I'm stuck on this boring, relatively safe boat… (stumbles on a giant pile of C4) …Now _that's _more like it!

Jin and Michael: (run into C4 room) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh SNAP!

Jin: Are these explosives going to detonate?

Michael: Dammmmmmn, you've gotten good at English!

Jin: Yeah, I'm just awesome like that.

Desmond: Guys! Focus! Imminent death!

Michael: Oh right.

(OMG THE SUSPENSE!!1!!1!!)

--

-ONE WEEK LATER-

Meredith: Oh McDreamy!

McDreamy: Oh Meredith!

Izzie: Oh Alex!

Alex: Oh Izzie!

Lexie: Oh George!

George: Oh… hi.

Fans: _Grey's Anatomy?? _WTF?! This ain't _Lost_! Get back to the perilous situations already!! C4! Orchid Station! Guy In The Coffin! OCEANIC SIX!!

ABC: Never mind that, look! Lesbian surgeons! Shiiiiiiiiny!!

Fans: _MMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE THE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISLAND!!_

ABC: Sigh. Okaaaaaaaaaay…

--

Michael: Bomb, doom, blah blah exposition, since it's been TWO WEEKS SINCE THIS SHOW WAS ON THE AIR!

ABC: Sor-ree! _Lost_ isn't the only show on the air, you know!

Desmond: Luckily, I know enough about C4 to know that we're all _doomed._

Michael: Don't worry, I know just what to do. Because we deal with this kind of stuff all the time in the construction biz.

Jin: I am highly skeptical of the veracity of your claim.

Michael: Dude, keep rockin' the English! Anyway, if we just freeze the battery, we'll all be A-OK.

Desmond: No we won't, brutha! (misses Charlie)

Sun: I'm pregnant, Michael!

Michael: … Um… it's not mine, right?

Sun: No, the writers never developed our love triangle to that point.

Michael: Oh yeah. Well, good for you! (huffs off unusually angrily, considering he and Sun were never an item)

--

Keamy: I'm still unbelievably evil, Ben. And now I've got you! Mwahahahahaha!!

Others: (kill all the mercenaries)

Sayid: (stabs Keamy good and dead… right?)

Ben: 'Bout time, you guys! You've been gone all season… so, Richard, what's the deal with Kate and Sayid?

Richard Alpert: (still hasn't aged) Oh, they're not together. Sayid had enough sense not to get entangled in the love polygon that surrounds Kate for some inexplicable-

Ben: I mean with them helping you save me and all.

Richard: Ohhhh. Why didn't you say so? We're letting them go home.

Ben: (thinks) Cool. Now get to the choppa, you two!

Kate: Seriously?! Squee!!

Sayid: Um… is there a catch?

Ben: Nope. Just get out of my face.

Sayid: Okay then… (he and Kate leave)

--

(Jack and Sawyer find Locke and Hurley)

Locke: So Jack, it's been a while since you and I had a thematic talk about destiny.

Jack: True.

Locke: Blah blah destiny blah Miracle Island.

Jack: Science yadda yadda miracles are crap.

Locke: Lie to the world about what happened on the island so you can protect us all, mkay?

Jack: I'll think about it.

(meanwhile, Hurley and Sawyer eat the Pointless Ancient Crackers)

Sawyer: Are there even a point to these things? I mean, they must be important since they keep showing up, right?

Hurley: Don't worry, I'm sure they, much like "Stranger in a Strange Land," will end up being the key to the whole series.

(NOT.)

Da Phoenix: Stupid potentially important snack food… it's making this chapter way too long!

--

Daniel: (comes back in the Zodiac) Let's go Charlotte and Miles! To the _HMS Crapload O' C4_!!

Miles: Eh. I'm going to stay.

Daniel: That's cool, I never liked you anyway. C'mon Charlotte!!

Charlotte: Nah, I'm staying here to be with Miles- I mean, to find the place where I was born.

Daniel: (tears) Fine, potential love interest. Um… Juliet, will you come with me?

Juliet: Nope, I'm being noble and staying behind until everyone's gone.

Daniel: Rose? Bernard?

Bernard: No WAY! If I do anything else this season, I'm definitely going to die while doing it!

Rose: And SOMEONE has to stop people stealing food from the pantry. (glares at Miles)

Daniel: …Claire?

Claire: (is still missing)

Daniel: Oh, COME ON!! If I'm the only named character in this boat, the odds are that much greater that I'm going to DIE and the writers are going to forget to tell you about it!

(awkward pause)

Daniel: (nervously) Let's go, redshirts… (they all drive to the boat that is about to EXPLODE, but luckily never make it all the way there)

--

Frank: Yay, everyone's here, so now we can leave the island!!

(Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sayid, and Sawyer get to the choppa)

Frank: ZOMG you guys, a fuel leak! We need to drop a few hundred pounds from this choppa!

(camera lingers WAY too long on Hurley)

Sawyer: Nah, I'll jump, since the WRITERS DIDN'T MAKE ME ONE OF THE OCEANIC SIX.

Kate: No Sawyer! Don't do it!

Sawyer: (whispers sweet nothings in her ear) Now kiss me, Kate!

(kiss that may or may not be "spectacular")

Sawyer: Gentlemen… milady… I wash my hands of this weirdness. (jumps from the choppa)

Frank: Uh-oh, fuel's still low! Someone else want to jump?

Kate: Jack, are you going to jump to save me too? (bats eyelashes)

Jack: Seriously? (laughs hysterically)

Frank: Well it doesn't matter now, since we're landing safe and sound on the freight-

Desmond: (runs up) THE BOAT'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE, BRUTHAS!!

Jack: …Son of a _bitch!_

Da Phoenix: God, Jack, quit stealing other characters' lines already…

--

Ben: So Locke, this is the Orchid. Blah blah silly experiments, blah blah blah time-traveling bunnies.

Locke: What an admirably succinct summary of the Dharma Initiative!

Ben: (grins) Thanks. I've been practicing that one for _years_.

Keamy: (comes down) What's up Ben?! I'm still not dead, so I'm going to taunt you about how I killed your daughter! Nyeah nyeah!

Ben's Bug-Like Eye: (starts twitching again)

Keamy: But before you do, I think you should know that if you kill me, you'll kill everyone on the freighter that you just sent everyone to, thanks to this handy-dandy probably-not-really-a-guitar-tuner!

Ben: Whatever!! (stabs Keamy repeatedly in the throat, not unlike Sweeney Todd and Sn- Judge Turpin)

Locke: OMG! I'm going to try and save his life, rather than taking the guitar tuner and putting it on my own arm! Because since this is the season finale, _something_ has to explode!

Keamy: (finally dies)

--

(on the freighter, the light turns red)

Michael: (still trying to freeze the battery) Uh-oh. Jin, get the heck out of here.

Jin: I am far too hesitant for my own good!

Michael: Jin, listen up. You have to be the only good father in the entire series by not letting yourself explode. Now SKEDADDLE!

(Jin runs to the deck, which is EXTREMELY FAR AWAY FROM WHERE THE BOMB IS FOR SOME REASON)

Sun: (getting on the choppa with the rest of the O6, Desmond, and Frank) Wait! Jin's not here yet!

Jack: That's okay, he's not one of the Oceanic Six! We can leave without him!

(the choppa flies away)

Jin: (gets there a second too late) Wait! Come back! Please come back!

Frank: I can't come back, I don't know how it works! (waving to redshirts) Goodbye, folks!

Redshirts: Goodb-

(boat explodes, killing Michael and all the redshirts...)

Da Phoenix: But not Jin. I _know_ it!

Sun: (understandably, screams bloody murder) We have to go back, Jack! We have to go baaaaaack!!

Jack: Why do people keep screaming that at me? We're not going back, Sun.

Sun: Then you just made my list of People Who Killed My Husband And Must Pay For It!

Frank: Bad news again, you guys: the choppa's still low on fuel!

Desmond: Bloody hell!

Jack: That's okay, just get back to the island, even though I already said there's nowhere to get fuel on that island!

--

Sawyer: (swims up) Hey Juliet, whatcha drinkin' for?

Juliet: The boat just blew up. (points)

(and indeed, the boat just blew up)

Sawyer: Dag. So you're just going to spend the next three days lying on a beach drinking rum?

Juliet: (holds up bottle in toast) Welcome to Craphole Island, love.

Sawyer: …Thanks. So… guess Kate and Jack are dead then. Does this mean we have to mandatorily hook up now?

Juliet: (disgusted) God, I hope not.

Sawyer: (relieved) Good. Now pass me that bottle! (Juliet does so) …Why is the rum gone?

Juliet: (hiccups)

--

Ben: Locke, the island has to go bye-bye now. So go be the leader of the Others for me, mkay?

Locke: (whines) But Jacob told meeeeee to move the island!

Ben: Yeah, well, people that move the island have to leave forever, so… bye. Sorry I made your life so miserable.

Locke: (cheerfully) That's okay. (he leaves to be the head of the Band of Others)

Ben (goes down to some frozen room with a giant donkey wheel)

Fans: So… "frozen donkey wheel" isn't a euphemism/code phrase?

Ben: I hope you're happy, Jacob! Thanks to you, I'm being sent to the future in Tunisia… time/space travel is cool and all, but still! My life sucks so bad right now! (turns the wheel and cries like a little girl)

(the sky turns purple and the island VANISHES!)

--

(FLASH!)

Ocean: (ripples)

Jack: WTF? Where's the island?

Hurley: It must've moved, just like Locke said he was going to do!

Jack: That's dumb, you crazy fat man.

Hurley: (sarcastically) Well gee, Jack. If it hasn't moved, then WHERE IS IT?!

Jack: Hurley, as the resident Man Of Science, I have to disagree with you, even though the island is obviously gone and has to have moved somewhere.

Frank: Well, as the resident Man Who Knows Everything About Helicopters, I have to say _we're going down!_

(the choppa crashes… and Da Phoenix will thankfully never have to type that word again)

Everyone: OMG! Let's reenact the pilot episode in the water!

Desmond: Why do _I_ have to be the one in distress this time?

Jack: Because I am contractually obligated to be the hero and do CPR on someone!

Desmond: (is scarred for life after mouth-to-mouth with Jack) Ew… use a toothbrush, brutha. (misses Charlie)

(a boat approaches in the middle of the night)

Hurley: It's the Others! They're coming for the boy!

Jack: Oh no, not again!

Penny: (pokes her head out of a porthole) WTF are you talking about?

Desmond: Penny!!

Penny: Desmond!!

(DEFINITELY a spectacular kiss and awesome reunion scene!)

Penny: Ew… use a toothbrush, love.

Desmond: Oh, sorry.

(But they kiss again because they _love each other!!)_

Jack: You guys, Locke said to lie.

Kate: Are you kidding me? Lying is so… _wrong._

Sayid: What, and you're the poster child for honesty?

Kate: …Touché. Let's do it!

Sun: (is catatonic. Poor Sun.)

Da Phoenix: Don't worry Sun, he's still somewhere out there!

Desmond: Now Penny and I are going to live happily ever after in hiding!

Penny: (holding hands with Desmond and beaming) Assuming you don't come hunting after us, Sayid.

Desmond: So, Jack, see you in-

Jack: (interrupting) See you in another life, brother! (grins)

Desmond: …Way to steal and lame-ify my catchphrase, brutha. (misses Charlie)

(and so the Oceanic Six act out their lame cover story to save their friends, yadda yadda we know the rest.)

--

_Meanwhile, in the future…_

_Future Beehive-Bearded Jack: We have to go back, Kate. We have to go baaaaaaaack!_

_Fans: WTF? We've seen this already. _

_Future Kate: (drives backwards) Jack, you're so lame. And you suck! Three years have passed, blah blah. And why would I go to Jeremy Bentham's funeral?_

_Fans: …Jeremy Bentham? Is the Guy In The Coffin? There's no character named Jeremy Bentham on _Lost_! Why would the writers name a character after a philosopher anyway?_

_Locke, Rousseau, Desmond, Juliet, Boone, and Mikhail: Gee, we don't know…_

_Future Postpubescent Walt: Hurley, let's have a scene to establish A) that I'm not dead, and B) that my character has finally gone through puberty!_

_Future Mercenary Sayid: Hurley, I'm busting you out of this nuthouse joint! We're all in danger now that Bentham's dead. Paranoia keeps me alive, I killed a guy at 8:15, etcetera._

_Future Loony-Bin Hurley: Cool, I'll come with you, as long as we don't go back. Checkmate, Mr. Eko!_

_Mr. Eko: (is still dead. Booooo.)_

_Future Hallucination Claire: Don't bring "him" back, Kate!_

_Future Kate: Don't bring WHO back? There are a lot of "hims" on this show…_

_Future Hallucination Claire: Just assume for now that I mean my son that you stole from me._

_Future Kate: Mkay._

_Future Sun: Hey Future Widmore, let's make a deal! Deal or no deal? So what is the deal?_

_Future Widmore: (dully) Hooray for more _The Office_ quotes that don't fit in the parody._

_Future Beehive-Bearded Jack: (breaks and enters into the World's Sketchiest Funeral Parlor) Oh Jeremy. You're dead, and now I'm suicidal._

_Future Ben: We all have to go back to the island now. Mkay?_

_Future Beehive-Bearded Jack: But no one will talk to me anymore… they all figured out how much I really suck now that I'm not their Hero Doctorman. Goddamn it! (pouts)_

_Future Ben: Which is where I come in. I can… persuade them. (steeples fingers) We're going to have to bring that Jeremy corpse with us too._

_Future Beehive-Bearded Jack: Oh joy. It's an intercontinental reenactment of _As I Lay Dying.

-LOST-

--

(Oh yeah, and Locke's The Guy In The Coffin.)

Da Phoenix: Phew! Done!

* * *

Did you know they filmed alternate endings to the final episode with Sawyer and Desmond being in the coffin?? I saw it on Youtube and I almost cried. Because the dang show nearly killed off my favorite character again!! Luckily, it's just Locke. And I don't care as much if he lives or dies. Plus it's kind of obvious they were "dummy" endings and not "alternate" endings, since Locke is the one of those three who made the most sense to be Jeremy Bentham. And would Lost really enrage the fangirls by killing off Sawyer? Or the romantics AND the fangirls by killing off Desmond? ...Um. Well. Would it?

Only I would be able to stretch 5 hours of television into 5000 words. Why do these chapters keep growing?! Argh. Stupid me and adding in the flashforwards! Though, to be sure, season 4 has been super action-packed, and I'm afraid of leaving stuff out this time around. So much stuff has happened in these past 5 episodes!! OMG. I look back at the past 3 seasons and it's almost like nothing at all has happened!! This is the one good thing about the write's strike... and the negotiated end date. Only 2 more years of Lost!! :( sad.

So during the hiatus, I might go back and rewrite the first three chapters, since I left out so much. Or I might not. I haven't decided yet. I might also add mini-chapters talking about everyone's flashbacks, since I spent so much time in this parody talking about the future. At any rate, you just might be hearing from me during this unbearably long hiatus! (And I'm planning on doing something similar to my Hogwarts Musical project for Lost, using songs from Flight of the Conchords... yet another idea bouncing around my sick, sick brain!) So until next June, loyal readers: _namaste_, see you in another life, and WAAAAAAAALT- I mean, review, please!


End file.
